Wow, I hadn't realise the last time I wrote a post was 11 months ago. I guess I really was occupied with life. I write whenever I needed to clear my mind of thoughts, but it seems like life really got to me and I am not trapped in my head anymore. I made a mental note to write often to keep my thoughts in order, but it seemed like the note was left forgotten under a pile of assignments and reports.
Since the last time I wrote, I finished my final year at Monash. I got my results recently and alhamdulillah, everything went better than I thought, and I will be graduating in April, inshaAllah. After finals, I went to my hometown for a week, before coming back to tour KL with my family. We visited a few museums, attended a couple of weddings, the obligatory Ikea visit, the Science Centre and did some bundle shopping (I also sneaked another 2 knitted tops for RM40 but nobody has to know that). Right now, it is lightly raining outside and I am home alone because the others went back to KB, but I had to stay for Ikea kitchen cabinet delivery. After days and days of prioritising and thinking about other people, I can finally, clearly hear my thoughts again.
So after six years, I am finally through with my degree. I did not know what I expected I would feel, but right now, I feel hanging. Sis gotta move on to having a career but don't know where to start. My confidence went down as my degree was not extra special, without internship and any other cocurricular activities, I would say it was just a piece of paper.
If all this while, I was wishing to be able to stay home and do nothing, I take it back. I am jobless and I hate it. So, I am thinking of getting a side business while going to skills workshops before I hop on a stable-job wagon. I have only imagined working 9-5 in an office, like my mother would. I set up a LinkedIn account, just to ignore it after 5 minutes because I have nothing to write about myself. Literally, no experience, skills, nothing. I am beginning to think that I would not be fit for working life, but hey, sis got bills to pay. Yet, I still don't know whether I should wait until graduation, or start looking right away. I mean, I have been scrolling through job ads, but there's this thing that's keeping me from making a move: anxiety. Of being in a new surrounding, of having to meet more than one other new people, of maybe not being able to do a job properly, of getting scolded, of getting embarrassed. All of those.
Time and time again I have to remind myself that all of those are in the future, which we cannot control even a little bit, whether it would or would not happen. It is really testing my courage, because I have always been timid. I know who I am deep inside - I can be brave, I can be confident, I can be bright and outstanding, but sometimes, the anxiety masks it like I never really know her.
Now that's something I really have to work on. Nevertheless, here's to hoping for a good 2020 - a new decade, a new phase of life, a new beginning.
