I'm not sure if anyone does this as well but, I have this habit where I go to my own page to read what I've previously written before I start on a new post. And to see how positive I was feeling makes me wonder if I was being fake or real. When am I real – is it when I am feeling good, or is it when I am feeling like shit? Honestly, I'm not feeling all those feelings that I did in my last post. I hate that my mind can turn completely from a vast green carpet and clear blue sky to dark, lonely deserted path of no end.
I'm going through a very negative phase again where I feel like a loser for not being able to accomplish anything, especially in what I do as a daie. To think that I would need a gazillion times of effort for me to be good scares me to death. But if that is what I have to do for a secure place in jannah, why wouldn't I wanna do it?
Maybe I just need a warm hug to feel better.
