Nepenthe

Wow, I hadn't realise the last time I wrote a post was 11 months ago. I guess I really was occupied with life. I write whenever I needed to clear my mind of thoughts, but it seems like life really got to me and I am not trapped in my head anymore. I made a mental note to write often to keep my thoughts in order, but it seemed like the note was left forgotten under a pile of assignments and reports.

Since the last time I wrote, I finished my final year at Monash. I got my results recently and alhamdulillah, everything went better than I thought, and I will be graduating in April, inshaAllah. After finals, I went to my hometown for a week, before coming back to tour KL with my family. We visited a few museums, attended a couple of weddings, the obligatory Ikea visit, the Science Centre and did some bundle shopping (I also sneaked another 2 knitted tops for RM40 but nobody has to know that). Right now, it is lightly raining outside and I am home alone because the others went back to KB, but I had to stay for Ikea kitchen cabinet delivery. After days and days of prioritising and thinking about other people, I can finally, clearly hear my thoughts again.

So after six years, I am finally through with my degree. I did not know what I expected I would feel, but right now, I feel hanging. Sis gotta move on to having a career but don't know where to start. My confidence went down as my degree was not extra special, without internship and any other cocurricular activities, I would say it was just a piece of paper.

If all this while, I was wishing to be able to stay home and do nothing, I take it back. I am jobless and I hate it. So, I am thinking of getting a side business while going to skills workshops before I hop on a stable-job wagon. I have only imagined working 9-5 in an office, like my mother would. I set up a LinkedIn account, just to ignore it after 5 minutes because I have nothing to write about myself. Literally, no experience, skills, nothing. I am beginning to think that I would not be fit for working life, but hey, sis got bills to pay. Yet, I still don't know whether I should wait until graduation, or start looking right away. I mean, I have been scrolling through job ads, but there's this thing that's keeping me from making a move: anxiety. Of being in a new surrounding, of having to meet more than one other new people, of maybe not being able to do a job properly, of getting scolded, of getting embarrassed. All of those.

Time and time again I have to remind myself that all of those are in the future, which we cannot control even a little bit, whether it would or would not happen. It is really testing my courage, because I have always been timid. I know who I am deep inside - I can be brave, I can be confident, I can be bright and outstanding, but sometimes, the anxiety masks it like I never really know her.

Now that's something I really have to work on. Nevertheless, here's to hoping for a good 2020 - a new decade, a new phase of life, a new beginning.

For a few years, I have been looking at this book in someone else's hands or bookshelves from a distance, until The Big Bad Wolf held their annual sale in KL earlier this month so I knew I had to get a copy for myself. It was available elsewhere but it would be quite expensive for me. That day, my sister found a boxset of 10 titles from Paulo Coelho, and one of it is The Alchemist. I couldn't find any copies that weren't in a boxset so I had them all for 10 bucks each. A steal, right? I'm not the type of person who read book reviews so I had no idea what the book was about but I knew it was good. Did you know that Malaysia's current Minister of Education listed this as one of his favourite books? Now you do.

As someone who has dreamed of traveling the world, the storyline is amazing. The characters' personality are well defined and written in the story. The ending is perfect. Although Catholic influence is very strong in Paulo's writings, I find that most of its principles align with Islam very well and there are a lot of lessons that you can learn from this book, especially if you are someone who likes sitting in their comfort zones, like me. One of the scenarios in the book was set in the middle east and there was definitely mentions about Islam, Allah and the Quran. I like it when non-Muslims know or write about us, especially of the good things. It makes me feel less strange to the world.

As I've mentioned, I'm someone who likes my comfort zones. I'm not a risk-taker. Whenever I have to make a decision, I will think of the worst possible scenarios for every options and take the one that would give me the least hassle. I have a lot of fears. For someone who would love to explore the world, these fears and comfort zones hold me back. This book is about the very thing opposite of me– bravery. I really wish I don't overthink of my actions instead of just doing them, but it's easier said than done. I obviously have a lot of personal issues to work out on. But after reading this book, I've finally started to (seriously) save money for future travels as a new year's resolution. Small, consistent steps go a long way ;) 

This book to me is also a depiction of the saying, faith can move mountains. When you have deep faith in something, you can listen better to your guts and follow them. It makes you be accepting of what happens to you, which is what Islam teaches us about– qada' and qadr. I definitely don't know how to elaborate further on this because I never read reviews so I don't know how to do them but please pick this book up and experience it yourself.

Here's a picture of my favourite lines in the book. Hope it makes you wanna be brave to chase your dreams like it did to me.