Nepenthe

I was reading the Quran, something I really treasured whenever I get the chance to. I remembered what my previous murabbi once said, "If you don't feel okay, read (Quran) a lot. Read more than you usually do." and I get why. It has this special power to heal the heart, as it's supposed to, and whoever doesn't read and learn it would have their hearts dead. At least, that was how it felt when I was far from it– I felt dead.

I was reading Surah Al-Faathir when I came across a sentence about jannah, specifically He was talking about Jannatul 'Adni. As soon as my tongue said the word, tears flowed out of my eyes uncontrollably. It was as if my first time hearing about such things. The prophet would cry reciting sentences about the hellfire but I cried at 'paradise'. Memories came flashing to my mind where I sometimes would ask akhwat around me how would they imagine their life in paradise. To me, it had always feel like only imaginations. But when I uttered the word 'jannatul adnin' as I was reciting, the scenes of life in paradise that I imagined came vividly in my mind.

Imagining that, I cried.

These past few weeks, or months, have been emotionally difficult. Although, when I compare it to the events experienced by the sahabahs, it would never ever be the same as them. I don't really know what was so difficult, or why this small obstacle impacted my emotions so much, but all I know is that I don't handle it well. Being me, all the negative thinkings have lead me feeling like giving up, and I've been living my life like I am. Which is why the thought of jannah hit me really hard. Haven't I forgotten the reward of working for akhirah?

"I can feel the exhaustion and tiredness from you."

The stranger woman, who now I can call a friend, said to me. I've only met her a few times, but on our first meeting I was already crying in front of her. I cried on my first time meeting a stranger.

The past few months have been exhausting, more mentally than physically. I'd been crying a lot way before Ramadhan began, and my Ramadhan was completely full of wet sujood and sobbed du'a. Alhamdulillah my kind Lord gives me the chance to write. Writing helps me untangle the mess in my head, although not fully, but at least it clears up some of the mess. I've been trying to make time to write out what's been clogging my mind, but also keep delaying it because there are other important stuff to focus on. Unfortunately, while trying to not let the world down, I neglect myself and suddenly I found myself plunging.

Getting back up is as hard as falling down.

I was on the verge of killing myself down in the pit, but now I'm trying to get out of it.

Being me, I'll always fall back to my old rhythm not long after I seem to recover. Did I ever recover anyways? It feels like I'm always in this sad state – repeating the same patterns over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead, I've become a ghost walking around a life trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat. I've isolated myself for almost three days now, avoiding as much interaction with people as I can. Tried reaching out by contacting the university's counsellor but being me, cancelled the appointment at the last minute using my health condition as an excuse. Tried to reach my murabbi but being me, disappeared at the last minute. When my phone rings and I just stare at it without intending to pick it up. I throw out hints everywhere for people to care for me and pay me some attention that I crave for, but being me, whenever they do I start pushing them away and create this wall around me. Food feels bland these past few days, but I try to force myself to have some bread for sehri and iftar today I don't feel like eating anything. Just putting an album recently being my fav on repeat, listening to it closely until my eyes tear up because the mood of the songs suits mine really well. And as I immerse myself into these tunes, isolated in a cubicle at the library, I begin to lose hope.

How long does this have to continue? Have I not a chance to live a better life? And my biggest question is, is there anyone who cares for me?

I haven't moved from this seat at the library since seven hours ago. This morning was bright and clear, but right now it's dark and raining pretty heavily, a lightning just struck and I'm putting my Depressed playlist on shuffle that lasted a couple hours, then I started changing songs every now and then because I'm not sure of how to feel anymore. There's that, I'm always unsure. Of everything. Right now, I think I'm going back to that pattern where I would do absolutely nothing, put off all the things that I need to do and tell myself a bunch of lies to ignore the truth. How do I focus on these important things when my mind darts on its own to a place I never knew?

Inferiority complex.

Will I soon lose the battle within myself?

How can you see the enemy

When you're looking at yourself?

Instead of working out my weaknesses I'm actually highlighting them more and more. 

Allah is offering me His heaven, and I'm right here reluctant to go for it? I don't understand myself.

I'm on a break (from becoming a muslim daie? Since when…) for chinese new year and I drove home with my sister and uncle for 8 hours. I've been home for two days and I've literally done nothing. I haven't checked my phone since and never gone out. Like usual. How many times have I wished that things would change but fail so miserably again and again.

I'm feeling like writing tonight before I go back tomorrow and return to my busy schedule. Wait, I've always felt like I wanted to write, I just didn't really have time to. I was so caught up in life these past few months, I've been taking time to review and reflect, usually in my drive alone to a place to run errands, but never got the time to write it all down. So for my first post in 2017, I've decided to braindump.

I've stumbled upon my previous posts where I noticed that I was able to express myself quite well. And most of the things that affected my mood or how I felt was my study. This year, I'm gonna have to change that. I've failed 8 subjects and still have to take two electives. For the next two years, it's gonna be one hell of a ride but there are some changes in my mind that I would like to do to make sure I pass on with sakeenah (ketenangan).

My promise;

The remaining month of my summer break is most likely gonna be filled with as much adventure as I can fit before I diligently work for at least pass in my units. My adventure plans include;

This year, again, juggling classes in Monash + medan dakwi in Palam + living in Shah Alam, it's gonna be a tough one. It's gonna get tougher if I don't have enough preparation. Traveling to those cities mentioned above, I hope it'd give me some sort of a new view that can expand my horizon, see things from a better perspective, and hopefully change my attitude to the better. I wanna get better in handling things and I wanna be happier as well. To put my soul in what I do. To not just exist, but live.

Redha dengan tujuan hidup yang Allah dah taklifkan. Wasn't it my own promise, dulu-dulu? :)