Nepenthe

I kind of just want to update on the email my lecturer sent me. Turns out he just wanted me to submit all the assignments so he can help me pass the unit. What a kind soul. He even offered me an hour to discuss the lecture materials. So yeah, I have an hour of one-on-one tutorial with the professor next Monday.

And today I suddenly feel a strong push behind me making me want to do my assignments well and now. I also feel like I'm not gonna fail this semester. This makes me realise how some things weirdly become better by just talking to someone, no matter you know them or not. Memories of recent events also flashed in my mind, making me agree more to my conclusion. My anak usrah was telling me the other night how she couldn't bring herself up for qiam. That night we kinda talked about it a bit, I offered help but she said she wanted to do it on her own. Next morning, she texted me saying she did. I didn't do anything, only a quiet prayer but the rest was Allah's doing.

So this is a message to my future self: whenever feeling down, just talk to someone. It'll get better.

This is FRHN feeling motivated.

It was almost 1 in the a.m. when I was walking home, body quite shaking because I was too hungry. I did eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner but I seem to have lost control of my appetite. Ate some crackers and now I'm dedicating several minutes to write before I continue finishing my lab report that was due two days ago.

Talk about losing control, I have also lost the control to my sleep. I wanted to stay up doing work but I just can't control when my eyelids close. My appetite has gone huge. My sleep drive has gone huge. What is happening to me? I do realise that those are some of the little signs of depression. I don't know, I just haven't felt really empty yet like I was last time. Do you know if depression is coming or does it just happen?

I received an email from my professor, the same professor that told me to pull up my socks last semester, that he wanted to see me tomorrow regarding my long-due report. I'm so scared. No, not scared of him. But I'm scared that I have to converse to a stranger and I'm scared knowing the fact that I might have to open up to someone I don't know. I guess I'm still living in my tiny bubble. And I don't like it being poked. You know how people say introverts can be extroverts if they want to. Well, I try sometimes… but I fail. It wasn't fun.

I haven't replied to his email. I'm not planning to see him. I'm forcing myself to stay awake to finish this goddamn report and submit it to him tomorrow before he knows it. Wish me well.

This is FRHN, clueless as ever.

Decided to skip a lecture today because I know I won't understand a thing the lecturer says. Wanted to finish some deen work, write my thoughts and catch up on lectures today, but I only crossed out two items off the list. You can guess which one that didn't make it. I really really miss studying but I just can't bring myself to.

Last few days I have been thinking about me losing my motivation in life. I keep on procrastinating and putting off things until the last minute. "I should be studying." has only become a mantra that I whisper on a day to day basis. There are so many things that I want to do – I'd really love to start reading again, take care of my skin, socialise more, do more of my deen work, travel to spread peace – but I just can't seem to bring myself to it. What the hell is my problem?

Several days ago all those thoughts came again. I started thinking about all those sad and unhealthy things that previously pulled my spirit down the drain. Just when I thought I have recovered. I started to feel empty inside, like I have no purpose and there was no point of continuing on doing what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm headed to. I started putting my earphones on and listening to music that's either loud or sad. I've also started eating so much these past few weeks and today suddenly I felt like suppressing my appetite (only ate cookies and bread and drank water). Now I'm finding myself cooped up at the corner of the library until it closes again. I never realised what triggered me four months ago, and I still have no clue this time.

Maybe it's my sins that are weighing me down.

The library is closing in 10 minutes. Bye.