Nepenthe

I'm that kind of person who laughs uncontrollably one hour to distract myself from negative thoughts, tricking my mind that I'm happy, but cry the next because I know I was just lying to myself.

I finally did my presentation yesterday, which sucked balls. And the feedback was terrible. I was an hour late, I couldn't answer all the questions even simpler ones, and he was so frustrated that he didn't even want to really talk to me or look at my face. I tried to forget this particular scene to avoid downgrading myself but I couldn't. The memory keeps replaying itself in my mind. And each time, I hate myself more and more. I think I'm gonna fail all subjects this semester. I know I can't afford it. I'm fighting the urge to give up. I'm fighting.

I don't see a way out. How do you be positive?

I'm failing miserably in my study. On that thought, I'm also failing miserably in being a murabbi. I'm failing in being a muslim. Ah fuck it, I'm failing in just being a sensible human being. As much as I want to avoid self-hate, I can't avoid the fact that I'm just a failure in general.

This is FRHN listening to The Girl Who Cried Wolf by 5SOS.

I was about to cry in the midst of doing my assignment and I thought of writing my emotions down but somehow I ended up on someone else's blog and the feeling was gone. I see what you did there, mood swings.

A few events occurred since I last wrote here. One of them being me confessing about what had happened to me, and what I had been feeling like in the past month to my deen family. I thought it would end right there, but the truth is I'm still masking myself from the world. I told them I'd be fine because I knew it was all just in my head. I was able to ignore and became someone else that seemed fine to people. Then a few days ago I broke down again. It hurt so bad inside I just wanted to slash my body to pieces because of how useless I felt. All feelings came attacking me out of a sudden, it was like they were lurking behind my head and as if on cue, ambushed me from behind and I cried and cried in the shower and during prayers because I felt like I wasn't capable of anything. Being a murabbi? What the hell. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy, people noticed and I was up so late that night. Managed to get some sleep for a couple hours then I had to wake up again for work with my eyes so swollen, they felt warm somehow and it didn't feel right in my body. My mind started being a mess again and I was lost. All the colours faded.

See a war I wanna fight it

See a match I wanna strike it

Every fire I've ignited

Faded to grey

The answer is there. I'm just refraining myself from seeing it.

I was quite scared of the crowd in the area but I gradually managed to push the feeling aside. It wasn't like the scene you watch in Tangled where Rapunzel witnessed the sky lanterns in front of her eyes for the first time, but it was good enough for me. Every time a lantern was lit I couldn't help but think that those were my thoughts, my worries, my anxieties, and my problems burning, ready to set off. And in the moment those hands let go of the beautiful lanterns, and when the lights flew slowly up and became smaller and smaller before disappearing out of sight, I couldn't help but whisper under my breath… "Let it go."

Alhamdulillah it's a better day today. This morning I woke up at 4 am (too early to my liking but I couldn't fall back to sleep so I got up) and showered, did my qiamullail and then hunger came. So I ate everything I could find in the kitchen that I share with 15 other people in the house. Alhamdulillah there was leftover food from last night, and alhamdulillah my appetite came back. I drove to uni at 6.30 so early in the am, didn't get the chance to see the sunrise but I loved the darkness anyway. I still haven't been able to really push myself to attend classes because I still feel overwhelmed in the presence of too many people around me, but I went to the lab session at 9. I was supposed to hand in a lab report but I haven't finished it because yesterday I was too lost in my own thoughts to concentrate. However I managed to submit the report, which I started late last night, at 5.42 pm. It was late, but I couldn't care less. I also ate a plateful of rice and chicken curry and fried long beans today, which costed me RM5.50, but I couldn't care less. I didn't know which playlist to pick, Rage or Beats or Depressed, but eventually I decided to listen to songs that I like. I felt like every songs were trash and I was skipping songs halfway through listening to it the whole time, but I couldn't care less. I have to admit that I am a little proud of myself today; proud for making it.

I'm going to do my pile of unfinished lab reports. I'm going to see my adik usrah tonight. I'm going for my own usrah on Sunday. I'm going to class on Monday. I'm going to talk to my friends today, have a little bit of normal conversation. I'm going to take up reading to distract my own mind. I'm going to eat well and sleep well.

I hope tomorrow I don't wake up like yesterday.

Found myself reading my previous blog and thought, "Wow I have been a sad person for a long time."

Last weekend I went for a daurah with the others, and I thought that had to be the chance for me to recover from feeling sad. On our way there, I was quite chirpy, and told my friend, "What if I told you I am depressed?" and she said she would believe me. But I didn't think she understands what depression is like. I stayed awake during the journey and thought to myself maybe I have recovered. During the weekend, I was able to focus and hid my emotions really well (at that time I didn't know if I was really okay or my feelings were just bottled up and shipped somewhere far). I prayed well, cried once or twice letting my heart out to Allah. I even decided to attend classes from that day on. I was talking about positivity but I realised deep down I wasn't even sure. I was saying that I'm recovering maybe to just trick my brain in hope that things would eventually be fine.

Then there was Monday. I couldn't remember what I did that day. I was supposed to finish a lab report but I didn't, and eventually I didn't turn it in. Tuesday morning when I woke up, I've never felt like shit as I did on that day. It was just an unfinished lab report but all I felt was like my whole world was crumbling down. I wasn't mad at my friends but I ended up not really talking to them and I was sure that I appeared like I was mad at everyone, when the truth is I was just too scared to look at their faces. Whenever I had to be around them, I put my earphones on and played sad/angst songs loudly. I sat at the uni library, still couldn't remember what I exactly did, waited until 9 pm to actually move my butt to KL to attend to my sister and family. Wednesday I had to take the family to my sister's interview. Waking up that morning I still felt like a mess, dreading to finish the day but I knew I had to push myself because of my family so I did. But even in their presence I still felt sad and almost cried but I managed to hid it in. God knows when the last time I savoured a proper meal but I was confused with my own appetite. I felt hungry and wanted to eat everything but at the same time I didn't feel like eating. Also my sleep drive this week was way beyond control. At the uni library I was probably sleeping heavily on the desk. I wanted to sleep and sleep only and never wanted to wake up again (which was probably why I was so upset when I had to wake up). If I wasn't sharing a house with 14 other people I'd most probably never wake up, lie in bed and watch the days pass by. When I tried doing my assignments, I'd type out several easy sentences then I'd feel really sleepy and resort to sleep instead. Today I packed up my clothes and toiletries because I was thinking of sleeping alone at some other place tonight, but I realised that I had nowhere else to go and I had to be present for lab tomorrow morning. Bummed. 

This has been going on for about a month. The point of trying to get people's attention has shifted to the point of isolation. Part of me wanted this to be just a phase and would like to recover sooner, but there's another part of me that wanted to be this hurt forever, I wanted to stay locked in my own dark world forever. Let me be alone.