I was reading the Quran, something I really treasured whenever I get the chance to. I remembered what my previous murabbi once said, "If you don't feel okay, read (Quran) a lot. Read more than you usually do." and I get why. It has this special power to heal the heart, as it's supposed to, and whoever doesn't read and learn it would have their hearts dead. At least, that was how it felt when I was far from it– I felt dead.
I was reading Surah Al-Faathir when I came across a sentence about jannah, specifically He was talking about Jannatul 'Adni. As soon as my tongue said the word, tears flowed out of my eyes uncontrollably. It was as if my first time hearing about such things. The prophet would cry reciting sentences about the hellfire but I cried at 'paradise'. Memories came flashing to my mind where I sometimes would ask akhwat around me how would they imagine their life in paradise. To me, it had always feel like only imaginations. But when I uttered the word 'jannatul adnin' as I was reciting, the scenes of life in paradise that I imagined came vividly in my mind.
Imagining that, I cried.
These past few weeks, or months, have been emotionally difficult. Although, when I compare it to the events experienced by the sahabahs, it would never ever be the same as them. I don't really know what was so difficult, or why this small obstacle impacted my emotions so much, but all I know is that I don't handle it well. Being me, all the negative thinkings have lead me feeling like giving up, and I've been living my life like I am. Which is why the thought of jannah hit me really hard. Haven't I forgotten the reward of working for akhirah?
