brit·tle ['bridl]
adjective hard but liable to break or shatter easily.
My thoughts are wilder lately. At first I was confused of whether these feelings are valid or my mind is just making them up. I keep thinking that my emotions might be wrong. It kind of hit me whenever I cross the streets and see cars or lorries coming… when I'm around stationaries and I see a pair of scissors… when I see knives, when I see water, when I see walls… I accidentally broke my nail last week and god knows how happy I am to inflict even an ounce of physical pain to myself. That's when I think it's kind of real. Instead of self-harm, I resort to listening to loud music, finding happy songs and doing other stuff to shut these thoughts in the back of my mind, but you see, when you understand your purpose of life (2:30 and 51:56), you know your resorts are all wrong but you just can't bring yourself to the right track – it makes me confused as hell. I've been neglecting my deen a bit, I did some assignments and some others I just throw them away, and I don't even feel sorry for myself. I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do, I don't want to see anyone. I want to shut people out. I don't want the world to see me. I want to run far away from people but being around akhawat, I admit it helps a little when I have normal conversations with them but I don't know if I was being myself or I was just faking it – hell I know that I fake it well. Deep inside I know I'm supposed to seek help but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't explain well, but it's hard when you're the kind of person that forgets everything after you get some sleep but in the current situation you wake up each morning feeling upset without no reason, and feeling like you don't wanna wake up at all.
I hate being like this because it restrains me from my commitments. I have huge commitments – tarbiah diri, dakwi, usrahmates, RI, akhawat, studying – and understanding 2:30 and 51:56, I know I have to do them well. But having this sadness chokes me. It feels like something in your throat is swelling and you literally wanna throw up. I haven't had a constant proper meal for weeks. It's always been just a bottle of water and some biscuits. And when I drive to uni (yes I still go) and back, each time I say a little prayer deeply hoping that I won't do something stupid like crashing myself into someone else's car. And at times, instead of zikrullah I'd whisper to myself either "No." or "Don't do it." or "Stop." or "Fuck this shit." repeated times.
So far either my mind is still sane or there's a little iman that's left in myself that's keeping me under control. It's so heavy and I'm physically and emotionally tired. My heart wishes that this, whatever this is, would stop. That's all I hope for. But my mind tells me go kill yourself and that's all I can ever think of.
This is FRHN listening to Jet Black Heart by 5SOS.
Plays Iridiscent.
Let me tell you what’s been in my head lately:
To blast out screamo songs until my ears hurt, or bleed, or until something breaks. To scratch my skin until blood oozes out. To hit my head on the wall multiple times until either the wall or my head cracks. To drown myself in the sea whenever I drink water. A car crash. Ripping my chest open. Blood. Tall walls. A knife. Black. Being in a small room. These four walls are gonna crush me. A war. Electrocution. Falling. Old people, death and screams.
Allah, where are You? I miss You. I don’t know what’s wrong with myself. I don’t want to be depressed. I want to fight these self-hurting thoughts. It’s got so amplified I can’t hide it anymore. I want it to stop.
Stop…
Confused mind and blurred lines
Bloodshot eyes and silent cries
Bloodshot eyes and silent cries
"What's one thing that you want other people to help or guide you with?"
That question got me thinking really hard. I was the last person to answer it. I was thinking to just be honest with everyone but I couldn't. I'm scared. I'm scared of putting my flaw out there in the open. It felt like my little bubble I live in is being popped. So I copied someone else's answer, "Just like (name), I want to be encouraged with positive words." *rolls eyes*
I wasn't lying though. It's true at some degree. I always think that the only person who can motivate yourself is yourself. But sometimes you just gotta hear it from someone else. So I kind of want people to help me by giving me words of encouragement. I love it. And when I posted on facebook saying words to comfort myself, I figured that I was actually fishing for their attention in the most subtle way. I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes, I wanted attention. Why? Because I felt lonely.
So that comes to my real answer: I am lonely, and I want people to care about me, ask me how my day was, love me, write little notes to me saying it'll be alright. I can't believe I'm like this but yes, that's what I want. I do want to tell people about how my day went, what's my plan for tomorrow, what I stress about every day, all the things that happen to me at uni… but there's just no one. Or maybe it was me that felt like there was nobody with me. I leave for class so early in the morning, and come home late in the evening. I tried to improve myself by not stressing about my uni workload and not be cranky anymore. But then when I don't show it, I'm actually bottling them up, hiding it. And it felt worse. And when I try to be there for someone else, ask them how they're feeling, they didn't respond to me. They shut me out. Shit.
For a short phase of my life, I was once comfortable sharing my feelings with other people. Then one day, one person completely ignored me and then just like that, I shut myself down again, which could be why I tend to find another platform to express myself. The trauma of having people not wanting to listen to you… it's just horrible. That's probably why I become scared to open up again, to share a thought that I myself can't even unravel.
And I feel lonely. I'm used to being alone, but not lonely. I never thought I'd be someone who would need people in my life. I'm so used to living all by myself but now I want people to know about me. But I don't know how to get them in because I feel like I can't make them understand me. It's very complicated. So the void in me becomes so overwhelming that it swelled like crazy one night, and I was sobbing alone, curled up in a ball in a small room, feeling like the four walls were gonna crush me to death. I felt nothing, and I felt everything.
But then again, if you have Allah so full inside your heart, you wouldn't be feeling this way. Right?
I once didn't know where to go. Heck. I didn't even realise I wasn't sure of where I was going. But You gave me the light to show me where I should go. I know I hadn't been the best of 'abid but I ask from You ya rabb, don't give up on me just yet. Not now.
Every time I am on the edge of letting go, I remind myself of those early times when I was chosen. Every time I feel like losing control of myself, those are the things that I keep to help me soldier on. It's amazing how You're still holding me after all that I've done, or haven't done. So I humbly ask You to hold me forever, please ya rabb.
"…and He found you lost and guided you."
— Ad-Dhuha, verse 7.
