Being me, I'll always fall back to my old rhythm not long after I seem to recover. Did I ever recover anyways? It feels like I'm always in this sad state – repeating the same patterns over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead, I've become a ghost walking around a life trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat. I've isolated myself for almost three days now, avoiding as much interaction with people as I can. Tried reaching out by contacting the university's counsellor but being me, cancelled the appointment at the last minute using my health condition as an excuse. Tried to reach my murabbi but being me, disappeared at the last minute. When my phone rings and I just stare at it without intending to pick it up. I throw out hints everywhere for people to care for me and pay me some attention that I crave for, but being me, whenever they do I start pushing them away and create this wall around me. Food feels bland these past few days, but I try to force myself to have some bread for sehri and iftar today I don't feel like eating anything. Just putting an album recently being my fav on repeat, listening to it closely until my eyes tear up because the mood of the songs suits mine really well. And as I immerse myself into these tunes, isolated in a cubicle at the library, I begin to lose hope.
How long does this have to continue? Have I not a chance to live a better life? And my biggest question is, is there anyone who cares for me?
