Nepenthe

I have a collection of things that I wanted to write about but I keep putting them off until I have some spare time, but when I do, words just don't flow out of my fingers anymore. Then I figured that writing needs emotions (although it's a known fact to everybody else), that's why when we read things that are written with emotions, you kind of get the same feeling as the writer. And as I recall past events that happened to me recently, I realise that they don't really matter much now that it has passed. Is this why people say, time heals?

But they do still matter, just not with that much emotions. Maybe the wound has healed, but the scar is still there. The pain has subsided but it leaves an unbearable numbness. I remember when I decided to get away from all social media, mainly facebook, instagram and tumblr, just so that I can focus more on my uni work. But it doesn't seem to really work, and I've been killing time by doing old stuff that I should have never done. Quoting IHAB, those who kill time kills themselves, and that's exactly what's happening to me. I'm killing myself. What wounded me was myself. Fluctuations happen, physically and emotionally. My body temperature as well as my mood and my iman goes up and down crazier than a roller coaster. I waste second chances, I ruin new opportunities, I go back to the hellhole. I'm hurt and broken.

Dear Allah Al-Jabbar,
Fix me where I'm broken. Heal me where I'm hurt.

8-9 Oktober. Daurah simulasi kehidupan seorang manusia. When asked why they came to the program, most of them said, they lost something. Darnah specifically said she lost herself. Too long of a semester break had broken them and they came here to mend it.

This was a month after they came back from their break, after a month of usrah, and I thought, haven't I mend anything? It occurred to me, although knowing this little fact for quite a long time, that you can't pour into the cups if your pot is empty. You can't rule a kingdom if you can't function properly.

You can't mend someone's heart if yours is broken and not taken care of. And that breaks me even more.