I have a collection of things that I wanted to write about but I keep putting them off until I have some spare time, but when I do, words just don't flow out of my fingers anymore. Then I figured that writing needs emotions (although it's a known fact to everybody else), that's why when we read things that are written with emotions,...
8-9 Oktober. Daurah simulasi kehidupan seorang manusia. When asked why they came to the program, most of them said, they lost something. Darnah specifically said she lost herself. Too long of a semester break had broken them and they came here to mend it. This was a month after they came back from their break, after a month of usrah, and I thought,...
As soon as the door had closed, I patted Hayley's (bukan nama sebenar) thigh. "Are you okay?" I asked. Silence. "No, please don't cry." I said. But I defied my own words and burst into tears. I tried to numb my mind and feelings. I tried not to think. But I couldn't. Tears flowed down my cheeks, and I heard another sob next...
I kind of just want to update on the email my lecturer sent me. Turns out he just wanted me to submit all the assignments so he can help me pass the unit. What a kind soul. He even offered me an hour to discuss the lecture materials. So yeah, I have an hour of one-on-one tutorial with the professor next Monday. And...
It was almost 1 in the a.m. when I was walking home, body quite shaking because I was too hungry. I did eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner but I seem to have lost control of my appetite. Ate some crackers and now I'm dedicating several minutes to write before I continue finishing my lab report that was due two days ago. Talk...
Decided to skip a lecture today because I know I won't understand a thing the lecturer says. Wanted to finish some deen work, write my thoughts and catch up on lectures today, but I only crossed out two items off the list. You can guess which one that didn't make it. I really really miss studying but I just can't bring myself to....
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro… I'm counting days. To what, you ask? I'm not even sure myself. I'm just counting. Every second, every minute, every day… but I don't know what to do with my counts. My surrounding is in slow motion, no, more like a blur. I'm walking but I don't know where I am. I received my exam results two days ago....
Reading a few books (which is a lot for me) to be able to concentrate again. Finals are approaching really fast and I've only done little studying; it's going very slow for me. I need to be able to concentrate again. I seem to not be really attached to writing what I feel anymore. Maybe because the sadness has subsided a bit. The...
I'm that kind of person who laughs uncontrollably one hour to distract myself from negative thoughts, tricking my mind that I'm happy, but cry the next because I know I was just lying to myself. I finally did my presentation yesterday, which sucked balls. And the feedback was terrible. I was an hour late, I couldn't answer all the questions even simpler ones,...
When I drive and stops for a red traffic light, there's nothing more that I want in the world other than for the light to stay red forever. I wish life would pause for a while, I'd like to breathe a little. ...
Don't get distracted or caught up by your emotions because once you do, you're going to lose your battle with life and you will fall immediately into a downward spiral of darkness and you won't feel like getting out of there because of the feeling of being a failure that you have inside you. Don't get distracted or caught up by your emotions....
I'm failing miserably in my study. On that thought, I'm also failing miserably in being a murabbi. I'm failing in being a muslim. Ah fuck it, I'm failing in just being a sensible human being. As much as I want to avoid self-hate, I can't avoid the fact that I'm just a failure in general. This is FRHN listening to The Girl Who...
I was about to cry in the midst of doing my assignment and I thought of writing my emotions down but somehow I ended up on someone else's blog and the feeling was gone. I see what you did there, mood swings. A few events occurred since I last wrote here. One of them being me confessing about what had happened to me,...
Right now I'm sipping mocha from a plastic cup at a car service centre while waiting for my car to be serviced. I have the whole morning to spare here and I'm putting time to write, and squishing in writing a lab report in the meantime. I just had white coffee and nasi lemak a while ago and I might go get another...
Alhamdulillah it's a better day today. This morning I woke up at 4 am (too early to my liking but I couldn't fall back to sleep so I got up) and showered, did my qiamullail and then hunger came. So I ate everything I could find in the kitchen that I share with 15 other people in the house. Alhamdulillah there was leftover...
Found myself reading my previous blog and thought, "Wow I have been a sad person for a long time." Last weekend I went for a daurah with the others, and I thought that had to be the chance for me to recover from feeling sad. On our way there, I was quite chirpy, and told my friend, "What if I told you I...
STOPPPPPP PLEASE STOPPPPPP WHISPERING INTO MY HEAD!!! STOPPPPPP PLEASE STOPPPPPP WHISPERING INTO MY HEAD!!! ...
brit·tle ['bridl] adjective hard but liable to break or shatter easily. My thoughts are wilder lately. At first I was confused of whether these feelings are valid or my mind is just making them up. I keep thinking that my emotions might be wrong. It kind of hit me whenever I cross the streets and see cars or lorries coming… when I'm around...
Plays Iridiscent. Let me tell you what’s been in my head lately: To blast out screamo songs until my ears hurt, or bleed, or until something breaks. To scratch my skin until blood oozes out. To hit my head on the wall multiple times until either the wall or my head cracks. To drown myself in the sea whenever I drink water. A...
Confused mind and blurred lines Bloodshot eyes and silent cries ...
"What's one thing that you want other people to help or guide you with?" That question got me thinking really hard. I was the last person to answer it. I was thinking to just be honest with everyone but I couldn't. I'm scared. I'm scared of putting my flaw out there in the open. It felt like my little bubble I live in...
I once didn't know where to go. Heck. I didn't even realise I wasn't sure of where I was going. But You gave me the light to show me where I should go. I know I hadn't been the best of 'abid but I ask from You ya rabb, don't give up on me just yet. Not now. Every time I am on...
Looks like my writing mojo is back... I start my fifth semester (already?!) in Monash next week. I don't usually do resolutions but this time - that feels like a new beginning to me - it doesn't feel right to not have any. Obviously a lot had happen since I last write in here I don't know what I should start with. I'm...
