Found myself reading my previous blog and thought, "Wow I have been a sad person for a long time."

Last weekend I went for a daurah with the others, and I thought that had to be the chance for me to recover from feeling sad. On our way there, I was quite chirpy, and told my friend, "What if I told you I am depressed?" and she said she would believe me. But I didn't think she understands what depression is like. I stayed awake during the journey and thought to myself maybe I have recovered. During the weekend, I was able to focus and hid my emotions really well (at that time I didn't know if I was really okay or my feelings were just bottled up and shipped somewhere far). I prayed well, cried once or twice letting my heart out to Allah. I even decided to attend classes from that day on. I was talking about positivity but I realised deep down I wasn't even sure. I was saying that I'm recovering maybe to just trick my brain in hope that things would eventually be fine.

Then there was Monday. I couldn't remember what I did that day. I was supposed to finish a lab report but I didn't, and eventually I didn't turn it in. Tuesday morning when I woke up, I've never felt like shit as I did on that day. It was just an unfinished lab report but all I felt was like my whole world was crumbling down. I wasn't mad at my friends but I ended up not really talking to them and I was sure that I appeared like I was mad at everyone, when the truth is I was just too scared to look at their faces. Whenever I had to be around them, I put my earphones on and played sad/angst songs loudly. I sat at the uni library, still couldn't remember what I exactly did, waited until 9 pm to actually move my butt to KL to attend to my sister and family. Wednesday I had to take the family to my sister's interview. Waking up that morning I still felt like a mess, dreading to finish the day but I knew I had to push myself because of my family so I did. But even in their presence I still felt sad and almost cried but I managed to hid it in. God knows when the last time I savoured a proper meal but I was confused with my own appetite. I felt hungry and wanted to eat everything but at the same time I didn't feel like eating. Also my sleep drive this week was way beyond control. At the uni library I was probably sleeping heavily on the desk. I wanted to sleep and sleep only and never wanted to wake up again (which was probably why I was so upset when I had to wake up). If I wasn't sharing a house with 14 other people I'd most probably never wake up, lie in bed and watch the days pass by. When I tried doing my assignments, I'd type out several easy sentences then I'd feel really sleepy and resort to sleep instead. Today I packed up my clothes and toiletries because I was thinking of sleeping alone at some other place tonight, but I realised that I had nowhere else to go and I had to be present for lab tomorrow morning. Bummed. 

This has been going on for about a month. The point of trying to get people's attention has shifted to the point of isolation. Part of me wanted this to be just a phase and would like to recover sooner, but there's another part of me that wanted to be this hurt forever, I wanted to stay locked in my own dark world forever. Let me be alone.