Decided to skip a lecture today because I know I won't understand a thing the lecturer says. Wanted to finish some deen work, write my thoughts and catch up on lectures today, but I only crossed out two items off the list. You can guess which one that didn't make it. I really really miss studying but I just can't bring myself to.

Last few days I have been thinking about me losing my motivation in life. I keep on procrastinating and putting off things until the last minute. "I should be studying." has only become a mantra that I whisper on a day to day basis. There are so many things that I want to do – I'd really love to start reading again, take care of my skin, socialise more, do more of my deen work, travel to spread peace – but I just can't seem to bring myself to it. What the hell is my problem?

Several days ago all those thoughts came again. I started thinking about all those sad and unhealthy things that previously pulled my spirit down the drain. Just when I thought I have recovered. I started to feel empty inside, like I have no purpose and there was no point of continuing on doing what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm headed to. I started putting my earphones on and listening to music that's either loud or sad. I've also started eating so much these past few weeks and today suddenly I felt like suppressing my appetite (only ate cookies and bread and drank water). Now I'm finding myself cooped up at the corner of the library until it closes again. I never realised what triggered me four months ago, and I still have no clue this time.

Maybe it's my sins that are weighing me down.

The library is closing in 10 minutes. Bye.