Nepenthe

My anxiety was sky-rocketing last week. I skipped a lot of classes because I felt like I couldn't face anyone. I spent a lot of time in my bed scrolling my screen through a lot of social media, web comics, blogs, vlogs, youtube videos and so on until they all became boring. I felt dead again. I didn't know what was the trigger this time but the lag during my mid-semester break definitely took the inertia as I struggled to come back on track. One song into my 'cloudy' playlist and I was already breaking down into tears in my car.

I am still learning the healthy coping mechanisms that would help me. I know cleaning, cooking and working out helps, but I've been trying out writing and watercolour painting. Today marks the first day that I've finished an A4 page of painting. It wasn't actually a painting, just swatches of my watercolour cakes and a side painting of a sunset, but I love it nevertheless. I am currently liking the fact that I'm trying out and learning as much skills as I can before I graduate. One of them should involve social interactions but let me just indulge in introverted activities for now. As of now, I am focusing on learning French, swimming and painting.

I am a perfectionist, and this characteristic affects my anxiety a lot. I can't stand doing half-ass work, and if I'm not confident about doing something, I won't do it at all. I know learning to paint is going to teach me huge lessons regarding perfectionism and anxiety. I know my first try isn't going to be perfect, but I am willing to try and not stop halfway due to my untalented ass lol. Even from the first page, I've already learned that I am not so patient (I had to wait for the paint to dry before layering but I did not so it leaked everywhere -_-). So this is it, my first page of drawing, with cheap watercolour cakes, brushes and papers. I have sooooo many negative comments about it but for today, let me just settle with 'nice' (I'm being a lot nicer to myself, yes). My mood improves tremendously after looking at this imperfect, sloppy painting (ironic) and I just can't wait to finish my sketchbook and grow better in painting by the end of it.

To those of you who are reading this, I hope you take a chance to learn something new for yourself. Life is short, you have to try everything.

This is Farahana Nur listening to Mirror by Bazzi.

Last two weeks, after pouring my mind out to my counsellor about hating a lot of things about myself, she had requested that I list out all those things. But to ensure that everything is balanced, she told me that I should write all the things that I love about myself as well. She has been trying to make me do this since last year but I have always ghosted on our appointments. I guess this is inevitable now. Hence for the past two weeks, I have been trying to think about these two lists while I brush my teeth, shower and do other lame tasks in my mundane life. Trying is the keyword here. I have realised that I have been avoiding this topic for so long. I know I hate a lot of things about myself, but looking at them microscopically seems so depressing for me, so I have always put these thoughts aside thinking that I could be happier if I'm not thinking about things that make me pity myself. But that's it, it's always on the side being a baggage that I have to carry all these years. Therefore, for the past two weeks I was actually avoiding doing this by keeping myself distracted with my phone. God knows how much I have explored the internet world, and how much I have not.

1. I hate that I am never good at anything anymore. I try to fix myself but I guess the effort is never enough because I never get better, until I feel like I don't want to make any effort anymore as it seems pointless.
2. I hate my blemished skin. I hate the extra fat on my body. I hate my damaged hair. No matter what I do to fix them, they never get better.
3. I hate that I am socially incapable. Awkward at making new friends. Always ghosting on existing friends. I am bad at keeping in touch. I am also bad at showing I love and care about the people important in my life. I am bad at being emotionally intimate with others.
4. I hate that I don’t have any motivation anymore.
5. I hate that I’m falling behind on classes. I hate that it’s taking me six years, hopefully not longer, to finish my degree.
6. I hate that my feelings are always bottled up, and I don’t know how to understand them, not to mention letting them all out.
7. I hate that I know my way of thinking isn’t right but I do nothing about it.
8. I hate that I need the right mood, attitude and energy to finish an important task but if I don't have them, I don't do it.
9. I hate that I cannot translate the image of a better me in my mind into actions towards achieving it.
10. I hate my self esteem and confidence.

1. I think I am good at taking good photos, although I rarely do it now. 
2. I love my taste in music – quite a wide range, and makes me feel good. I always feel like I want to share my playlist with someone who would take interest in them.
3. I love that I am such a homemaker. I love being in a house where I can be free on the decoration, the daily menu, the ambience. I love that I love grocery and furniture shopping. Although I may not be able to do it as much, because I live with other people and I fear that what I like is not the same as theirs.
4. I love that I can be nice and kind whenever I am okay/normal.