brit·tle ['bridl]

adjective hard but liable to break or shatter easily.

My thoughts are wilder lately. At first I was confused of whether these feelings are valid or my mind is just making them up. I keep thinking that my emotions might be wrong. It kind of hit me whenever I cross the streets and see cars or lorries coming… when I'm around stationaries and I see a pair of scissors… when I see knives, when I see water, when I see walls… I accidentally broke my nail last week and god knows how happy I am to inflict even an ounce of physical pain to myself. That's when I think it's kind of real. Instead of self-harm, I resort to listening to loud music, finding happy songs and doing other stuff to shut these thoughts in the back of my mind, but you see, when you understand your purpose of life (2:30 and 51:56), you know your resorts are all wrong but you just can't bring yourself to the right track – it makes me confused as hell. I've been neglecting my deen a bit, I did some assignments and some others I just throw them away, and I don't even feel sorry for myself. I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do, I don't want to see anyone. I want to shut people out. I don't want the world to see me. I want to run far away from people but being around akhawat, I admit it helps a little when I have normal conversations with them but I don't know if I was being myself or I was just faking it – hell I know that I fake it well. Deep inside I know I'm supposed to seek help but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't explain well, but it's hard when you're the kind of person that forgets everything after you get some sleep but in the current situation you wake up each morning feeling upset without no reason, and feeling like you don't wanna wake up at all.

I hate being like this because it restrains me from my commitments. I have huge commitments – tarbiah diri, dakwi, usrahmates, RI, akhawat, studying – and understanding 2:30 and 51:56, I know I have to do them well. But having this sadness chokes me. It feels like something in your throat is swelling and you literally wanna throw up. I haven't had a constant proper meal for weeks. It's always been just a bottle of water and some biscuits. And when I drive to uni (yes I still go) and back, each time I say a little prayer deeply hoping that I won't do something stupid like crashing myself into someone else's car. And at times, instead of zikrullah I'd whisper to myself either "No." or "Don't do it." or "Stop." or "Fuck this shit." repeated times.

So far either my mind is still sane or there's a little iman that's left in myself that's keeping me under control. It's so heavy and I'm physically and emotionally tired. My heart wishes that this, whatever this is, would stop. That's all I hope for. But my mind tells me go kill yourself and that's all I can ever think of.

This is FRHN listening to Jet Black Heart by 5SOS.