"What's one thing that you want other people to help or guide you with?"

That question got me thinking really hard. I was the last person to answer it. I was thinking to just be honest with everyone but I couldn't. I'm scared. I'm scared of putting my flaw out there in the open. It felt like my little bubble I live in is being popped. So I copied someone else's answer, "Just like (name), I want to be encouraged with positive words." *rolls eyes*

I wasn't lying though. It's true at some degree. I always think that the only person who can motivate yourself is yourself. But sometimes you just gotta hear it from someone else. So I kind of want people to help me by giving me words of encouragement. I love it. And when I posted on facebook saying words to comfort myself, I figured that I was actually fishing for their attention in the most subtle way. I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes, I wanted attention. Why? Because I felt lonely.

So that comes to my real answer: I am lonely, and I want people to care about me, ask me how my day was, love me, write little notes to me saying it'll be alright. I can't believe I'm like this but yes, that's what I want. I do want to tell people about how my day went, what's my plan for tomorrow, what I stress about every day, all the things that happen to me at uni… but there's just no one. Or maybe it was me that felt like there was nobody with me. I leave for class so early in the morning, and come home late in the evening. I tried to improve myself by not stressing about my uni workload and not be cranky anymore. But then when I don't show it, I'm actually bottling them up, hiding it. And it felt worse. And when I try to be there for someone else, ask them how they're feeling, they didn't respond to me. They shut me out. Shit.

For a short phase of my life, I was once comfortable sharing my feelings with other people. Then one day, one person completely ignored me and then just like that, I shut myself down again, which could be why I tend to find another platform to express myself. The trauma of having people not wanting to listen to you… it's just horrible. That's probably why I become scared to open up again, to share a thought that I myself can't even unravel.

And I feel lonely. I'm used to being alone, but not lonely. I never thought I'd be someone who would need people in my life. I'm so used to living all by myself but now I want people to know about me. But I don't know how to get them in because I feel like I can't make them understand me. It's very complicated. So the void in me becomes so overwhelming that it swelled like crazy one night, and I was sobbing alone, curled up in a ball in a small room, feeling like the four walls were gonna crush me to death. I felt nothing, and I felt everything.

But then again, if you have Allah so full inside your heart, you wouldn't be feeling this way. Right?