I was about to cry in the midst of doing my assignment and I thought of writing my emotions down but somehow I ended up on someone else's blog and the feeling was gone. I see what you did there, mood swings.

A few events occurred since I last wrote here. One of them being me confessing about what had happened to me, and what I had been feeling like in the past month to my deen family. I thought it would end right there, but the truth is I'm still masking myself from the world. I told them I'd be fine because I knew it was all just in my head. I was able to ignore and became someone else that seemed fine to people. Then a few days ago I broke down again. It hurt so bad inside I just wanted to slash my body to pieces because of how useless I felt. All feelings came attacking me out of a sudden, it was like they were lurking behind my head and as if on cue, ambushed me from behind and I cried and cried in the shower and during prayers because I felt like I wasn't capable of anything. Being a murabbi? What the hell. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy, people noticed and I was up so late that night. Managed to get some sleep for a couple hours then I had to wake up again for work with my eyes so swollen, they felt warm somehow and it didn't feel right in my body. My mind started being a mess again and I was lost. All the colours faded.

See a war I wanna fight it

See a match I wanna strike it

Every fire I've ignited

Faded to grey

The answer is there. I'm just refraining myself from seeing it.