Nepenthe

Wow, I hadn't realise the last time I wrote a post was 11 months ago. I guess I really was occupied with life. I write whenever I needed to clear my mind of thoughts, but it seems like life really got to me and I am not trapped in my head anymore. I made a mental note to write often to keep my thoughts in order, but it seemed like the note was left forgotten under a pile of assignments and reports.

Since the last time I wrote, I finished my final year at Monash. I got my results recently and alhamdulillah, everything went better than I thought, and I will be graduating in April, inshaAllah. After finals, I went to my hometown for a week, before coming back to tour KL with my family. We visited a few museums, attended a couple of weddings, the obligatory Ikea visit, the Science Centre and did some bundle shopping (I also sneaked another 2 knitted tops for RM40 but nobody has to know that). Right now, it is lightly raining outside and I am home alone because the others went back to KB, but I had to stay for Ikea kitchen cabinet delivery. After days and days of prioritising and thinking about other people, I can finally, clearly hear my thoughts again.

So after six years, I am finally through with my degree. I did not know what I expected I would feel, but right now, I feel hanging. Sis gotta move on to having a career but don't know where to start. My confidence went down as my degree was not extra special, without internship and any other cocurricular activities, I would say it was just a piece of paper.

If all this while, I was wishing to be able to stay home and do nothing, I take it back. I am jobless and I hate it. So, I am thinking of getting a side business while going to skills workshops before I hop on a stable-job wagon. I have only imagined working 9-5 in an office, like my mother would. I set up a LinkedIn account, just to ignore it after 5 minutes because I have nothing to write about myself. Literally, no experience, skills, nothing. I am beginning to think that I would not be fit for working life, but hey, sis got bills to pay. Yet, I still don't know whether I should wait until graduation, or start looking right away. I mean, I have been scrolling through job ads, but there's this thing that's keeping me from making a move: anxiety. Of being in a new surrounding, of having to meet more than one other new people, of maybe not being able to do a job properly, of getting scolded, of getting embarrassed. All of those.

Time and time again I have to remind myself that all of those are in the future, which we cannot control even a little bit, whether it would or would not happen. It is really testing my courage, because I have always been timid. I know who I am deep inside - I can be brave, I can be confident, I can be bright and outstanding, but sometimes, the anxiety masks it like I never really know her.

Now that's something I really have to work on. Nevertheless, here's to hoping for a good 2020 - a new decade, a new phase of life, a new beginning.

For a few years, I have been looking at this book in someone else's hands or bookshelves from a distance, until The Big Bad Wolf held their annual sale in KL earlier this month so I knew I had to get a copy for myself. It was available elsewhere but it would be quite expensive for me. That day, my sister found a boxset of 10 titles from Paulo Coelho, and one of it is The Alchemist. I couldn't find any copies that weren't in a boxset so I had them all for 10 bucks each. A steal, right? I'm not the type of person who read book reviews so I had no idea what the book was about but I knew it was good. Did you know that Malaysia's current Minister of Education listed this as one of his favourite books? Now you do.

As someone who has dreamed of traveling the world, the storyline is amazing. The characters' personality are well defined and written in the story. The ending is perfect. Although Catholic influence is very strong in Paulo's writings, I find that most of its principles align with Islam very well and there are a lot of lessons that you can learn from this book, especially if you are someone who likes sitting in their comfort zones, like me. One of the scenarios in the book was set in the middle east and there was definitely mentions about Islam, Allah and the Quran. I like it when non-Muslims know or write about us, especially of the good things. It makes me feel less strange to the world.

As I've mentioned, I'm someone who likes my comfort zones. I'm not a risk-taker. Whenever I have to make a decision, I will think of the worst possible scenarios for every options and take the one that would give me the least hassle. I have a lot of fears. For someone who would love to explore the world, these fears and comfort zones hold me back. This book is about the very thing opposite of me– bravery. I really wish I don't overthink of my actions instead of just doing them, but it's easier said than done. I obviously have a lot of personal issues to work out on. But after reading this book, I've finally started to (seriously) save money for future travels as a new year's resolution. Small, consistent steps go a long way ;) 

This book to me is also a depiction of the saying, faith can move mountains. When you have deep faith in something, you can listen better to your guts and follow them. It makes you be accepting of what happens to you, which is what Islam teaches us about– qada' and qadr. I definitely don't know how to elaborate further on this because I never read reviews so I don't know how to do them but please pick this book up and experience it yourself.

Here's a picture of my favourite lines in the book. Hope it makes you wanna be brave to chase your dreams like it did to me.

The year is about to end in 4 days. This time last year I was still at the worst phase of my entire life, a soulless person trying to escape her darkness by traveling with her uncle's family to Tokyo. After a few weeks of desolation and without any written resolutions, I started coming back to life. I lost myself after series of terrible situations that made me lose all my self worth, almost to the point of self harm. It was the year that I began to take little steps of improvement that I wasn't exactly aware of. Maybe it was because I have more time to focus on myself so I did. Starting from physical appearances to health to interpersonal skills, I did it all. 2018 was the year that I began a solid skincare routine, subscribed to a fitness program and started working out, started being health conscious and watching what I feed my body, started cooking my own food and tried out a lot of recipes, started being closer to my mum and sister, traveled to Indonesia with them, started learning a third language, started watercoloring and cleaning and tidying, managed to pass all my units for the year after lots of 'N' on my script, started saving money, started making friends in uni, reached out (first) to old friends to reconnect and started being more social... oh well, the list goes on and on.

All without the help of anti-depressants.

At some point of my life, I thought I was one of those who had to rely on pills to be happy. Of course, there's nothing wrong with taking medications if you're sick, but I always wanted to prove myself that I could do this on my own. I wanted to create my own healthy coping mechanisms. Despite being hinted many times by my counsellor to have my blood checked, I opted for the natural remedies. Yes, they worked slowly but wonderfully although I do have a period of relapse somewhere in May and then a smaller episode of relapse towards the end of second semester, but I made it through. I really made it through. Who says progress has to be linear?

Of course, I have yet to figure out where I'm going with my life. Actually, I have a lot to figure out. As a means of trying to find a direction in life, I've chopped a lot of my hair (although that has nothing to do with life lol) and started to save money a little more seriously. I've also invested in a pretty expensive bullet journal (sis is a cheapskate) that I plan to really put myself into, making it my side-kick as I go through another year trying to better myself. Putting my deen as my priority, I hope Allah will direct me to Him and ease me to learn more about Islam and practice it. I've made a few changes in terms of my religious routine so hopefully that goes well into the new year.

2018 has witnessed my recovery, so I hope to be presenting my exponent growth to 2019.

Since I don't want to just sleep during my summer break, I mentioned that I wanted to jump back into reading and read as many books as I can in these three months time. This week at my hometown I picked up and finished a title from Mitch Albom called For One More Day. I feel so amazing already for being able to finish it within a week, but let's not talk about how amazing I am and focus on how amazing the book is instead. I know, I know, you can stop clapping.

I didn't actually read the synopsis of the book but I had read from a lot of places that Mitch Albom writes some pretty good stuff so I thought I'd just give it a read. Turned out it was about (okay I don't know how to do this) love that lots of people take for granted. As a woman who grew up without dating and in a family where intimacy is hard between us, I find myself sometimes longing for love, affection and attention from a significant other. Far at the back of my mind I know I should seek it from within myself, the people close to me and most importantly from my Creator, but that's it – it only stays at the back of my mind.

Reading this book has made me resurface this fact. I look back and realise all the times that I have been distant from my own family members, even though for the past couple of years I have been trying to change the situation. I could say that my relationship with my family has improved, except for that with my father. In the book, Chick "lost his mother to death", and he "lost his father to shame". On the other hand, I lost my father to death, and I would never ever wish to lose my mother to shame.

As I have mentioned, I have been trying the best I can to mend things with my family and the relationship between my mother and I have been a lot better, even though I still keep some personal things to myself. However, while reading this book, my mind always get transported back to the memories I have with my father. There are not many, but are still vivid.

I never lived with my father. He lived separately with my extended family but he would always come to visit, or we would always stop by their place while traveling back hometown. My father was artsy. He used to take unused school books from his children and draw in them. He wrote poetry too. I only remember one or two of them but I would be so inspired that I started drawing too. He used to do magics too. He would do his tricks whenever he came to visit us and I would be amazed every time. He taught us a few of his tricks but to this day, I only remember one.

My father was wise with his words. I remember when I was 15, he picked me up one day from school in KB, and asked me about my friends. I told him about how my old friends from the previous school gave me so many presents as parting gifts, and he told me that was how they appreciated me and meant that I was a good friend to them. I always struggled with self-love since I was young but at that moment, I probably teared up a little because his words made me feel a little appreciative of myself.

When I was 17 I got all As for my GCSE. I was happy but not exactly over the moon about it. One weekend, I was on the laptop in my room carrying on with my life as usual, and he was there visiting for a while. Before he went back, he came over to my room and kissed me on my forehead as a congratulations on my result. I was taken aback, didn't say anything except for a little smile and returned back to my laptop because it felt so strange. If I were more thankful for my results, it wasn't because of the straight As but his kiss instead.

When I was 19 I was late for my bus back to college. He was driving me there. My mother was there too. When we arrived at the bus station we saw the bus leaving. He stopped the car immediately and ran out to chase the bus for me. I had been in his situation before and I knew how embarrassing it felt but it didn't matter. Before I hurriedly got on the bus, body still high from the adrenaline, I shaked his hands and unconsciously hugged him and kissed his cheeks, as how I used to do it with my friends. It didn't feel as strange anymore, but in the bus after I calmed down, it dawned on me how weird it was to salam my father like that, because I never did that before, ever. But boy was I glad that I did.

I was turning 23 when he started getting really sick, and since then he rarely called me anymore. I didn't call him a lot because I was so caught up with life away in Shah Alam. I used to wonder why he hadn't called as much, but I never picked up the phone myself and asked him. I really wish I did. I wish I was closer to him. I wish I knew more about him. I wish I wasn't as shy as a kid that I never got rid of the thought of him being a stranger. I wish I hadn't run away whenever he wanted to talk more to me. I wish I stood up more for him.I wish I was more chatty with him. I wish I was nicer to him. I wish I had called him more often, or as often as he would call me.

But now he's gone, I'm 24 and I can't call him on the phone anymore.

So appreciate your folks when you still have the chance. It's the right thing to do. If anything, this should make me want to work hard for jannah so I could be reunited with him and do all the things I wish I had and hadn't done with him, eternally.

This is Farahana Nur signing off, trying to stifle a sob.

After what seems to be years (literally), I am finally through my fifth year of my bachelor's degree, and I am still not done. Yes, you read it right. The degree that should have been three years, but it's going to take me six years to complete. It's longer than a medical degree ffs. I have been under-loading and failing my units due to a lot of circumstances, some of them being the passing of my dad and trouble managing my time and difficulty with the da'wah circle that I was in. I was almost at the point of quitting altogether but for some reason, I am still here, although barely passing my units, trying as hard as I can to be a normal student living her university life – making friends, joining clubs and societies, taking part in events etc. all the things that I didn't do for the first 4 years, and most importantly, healing. I can't wait to be done with this because it feels like I have been held back for too long. It is time I progress into a new phase of life.

Anyways, I now have three months of summer holiday. The long awaited break is finally here but three days after my last exam, I am already losing my mind due to boredom. I was so focused on finishing the semester that I hadn't thought of what to do afterwards. I was supposed to be doing a voluntary placement/internship during this summer break but since my grandmother had gotten sick in the past month, it seems like I am the one who's going to take care of her for the time being. I am really scared of being really inactive for the whole three months so I am planning to do a lot of things to occupy myself (planning, as usual). I mentioned about this in my daily journal but let's put it here for a better documentation. It'll be a great satisfaction to check the list as we go through it, no?

• finish my watercolor papers (by painting of course)
• exercise four times a week
• read at least 5 pages of a book every day
• consistent post in my blog
• try cooking new recipes
• 15 minutes of French lessons on Duo every day
• swim every chance I get
• spring cleaning
• sell/donate old clothes and books

My anxiety was sky-rocketing last week. I skipped a lot of classes because I felt like I couldn't face anyone. I spent a lot of time in my bed scrolling my screen through a lot of social media, web comics, blogs, vlogs, youtube videos and so on until they all became boring. I felt dead again. I didn't know what was the trigger this time but the lag during my mid-semester break definitely took the inertia as I struggled to come back on track. One song into my 'cloudy' playlist and I was already breaking down into tears in my car.

I am still learning the healthy coping mechanisms that would help me. I know cleaning, cooking and working out helps, but I've been trying out writing and watercolour painting. Today marks the first day that I've finished an A4 page of painting. It wasn't actually a painting, just swatches of my watercolour cakes and a side painting of a sunset, but I love it nevertheless. I am currently liking the fact that I'm trying out and learning as much skills as I can before I graduate. One of them should involve social interactions but let me just indulge in introverted activities for now. As of now, I am focusing on learning French, swimming and painting.

I am a perfectionist, and this characteristic affects my anxiety a lot. I can't stand doing half-ass work, and if I'm not confident about doing something, I won't do it at all. I know learning to paint is going to teach me huge lessons regarding perfectionism and anxiety. I know my first try isn't going to be perfect, but I am willing to try and not stop halfway due to my untalented ass lol. Even from the first page, I've already learned that I am not so patient (I had to wait for the paint to dry before layering but I did not so it leaked everywhere -_-). So this is it, my first page of drawing, with cheap watercolour cakes, brushes and papers. I have sooooo many negative comments about it but for today, let me just settle with 'nice' (I'm being a lot nicer to myself, yes). My mood improves tremendously after looking at this imperfect, sloppy painting (ironic) and I just can't wait to finish my sketchbook and grow better in painting by the end of it.

To those of you who are reading this, I hope you take a chance to learn something new for yourself. Life is short, you have to try everything.

This is Farahana Nur listening to Mirror by Bazzi.

I've been eyeing this product for a while but I just wasn't sure if it was gonna work well and worth my money (because I'm a cheapskate). But when I heard that they were going to stop producing this, I immediately knew that I had to give it a try. I've been using it for about 3 weeks, one pump twice per day before moisturiser and I could say that it's been working quite well with my skin. My hormonal acne still comes every other day, but they healed up pretty fast and didn't leave a mark as dark as before I used this essence. As for hydration, it didn't do much for my oily dehydrated skin so I still need to invest in a good moisturiser for this problem. Overall, I hope the rumour isn't true and they will continue producing this because I will definitely repurchase!

     2.   Music: The album Cosmic by Bazzi.

This was released around April this year and I only started listening to the full album this month and I just gotta say that he got me hooooked! I love almost every song in this album, they're just so good that by now I probably know half of his lyrics, it's definitely my vibe. I've been replaying it every chance I get. I was gonna list out my favourite songs from this album but then I would be listing out the whole album lol. If you like soft hip-hop mixed with rnb and a little bit of pop, you should definitely check this album out here.

     3.   Book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson

Honestly I haven't finished this book and I've started reading it a few months ago (no shame), but this is one of those books that you have to take your time reading it because every page and every chapter is filled with truth that makes you question your life so you gotta slowly digest every sentence. With just a few chapters in, I can already feel my mindset and lifestyle changing towards the better, and helping out with my internal issues but yes, you gotta deal with a lot of tough transitions. Nevertheless, I assure you that after all the rain comes the rainbow. I feel like most of his principles are just the basic teachings of Islam which made it really really comforting because you know you're in the right religion/deen. This book, personally for me, explains the practical ways of the theories that you learn from Islam, so that's really good. Go and pick this up even though you feel like you already have a good life; it's just gonna make it better.

At the end of week 8 of a busy semester, I decided to skip Friday's one-hour lecture and drive myself to Cherating where I'd meet my family for a micro holiday weekend. I couldn't remember the last time we came here; we used to come every year for a short getaway with our family. It was the perfect place to celebrate my turning 24; the place that felt like home. Despite having to steal time to finish a group assignment, I'd say I had a pretty good time chilling. It wasn't really convenient to have to work while you're on holiday, I only managed to get just a little bit done for the assignment, but the beach was relaxing enough to keep the stress at bay. Look at the spot where I managed to read 1 paragraph about my assignment before it started getting too warm and I had to head back to our air-conditioned room. What a spoiled brat, I know.

We booked two rooms which are a part of a villa at The Legend Resort, Cherating - spacious rooms with double beds and sofa beds to accommodate guests, plus amazing view of the beach. I don't know how much they were per night, but you can always google them to check them out.



Asked my cousin to take this photo of me. I was legit doing my work after taking pictures, I promise. As you can guess, it was very relaxing. Most of the time we were either taking pictures or swimming. Talk about swimming, I finally know how to swim! At 24! I was doing my work while my family was swimming in the pool. 15 minutes later I turned off my laptop and joined them, decided that I had to learn how to swim as a gift to myself. And I did! It definitely took a few amount of pool water through my nose and mouth but it was all worth it!

As I was getting my family to teach me swimming, I was thinking back on how I became so scared of the water. I used to drown myself in a swimming pool when I was a kid. I only remembered waving my arms and legs helplessly as I tried to float back on surface but to no avail. A relative saved me after a few seconds which felt like a solid 10 minutes, but that event scarred me for life. It felt like a total failure for me. Since then, I never really liked being in the water. I feared the feeling of being incapable in the water. I feared looking stupid while I fail again and again to become good. It took me almost twenty years later to finally have the courage to learn to swim again, starting from the trip to Perhentian Island with my friends. Since then, I've been more motivated to equip myself with new skills, which include painting/making art and learning new languages, where I focus on French.

I'm so glad I took the chance. It makes me realise that the only person who can help you is you. The only person who will help you grow is you. The only person who will be patient with every step of your growth is you. If you were not courageous enough to do it, no 100 other people can make you. As I learn this, I've also realised that working on my fear is a progress. A progress that may take twenty thirty years. A progress that may not be linear. And that is totally okay, because a progress is still a progress, no matter how small :)

Which makes me think about my undergraduate journey. It has been 5 long years, and only 1 more before I graduate. I was thinking about how I might not be able to fix my WAM to average, and how it seemed impossible for me to do an exchange semester abroad. I knew I was getting myself back on track, but it wasn't as fast as I wished it to be. It's taking a whole lot of patience and kindness to tell myself "It's okay if it doesn't work out, at least you're improving." because my inner critic will always be there to tell me "So much regret. I wish you were serious from the start. I wish you didn't make mistakes." but I'm okay. I'm not as opposed to failure as I was before. I'm okay. I don't have to be excellent overnight.

I'm a work in progress.

I'm okay.

It is currently 1 A.M., and I am not sleepy because I've accidentally taken a 2-hour nap just now. I have just showered and prepped for my sleep, but I guess I would share here my current skincare routine while I wait for my eyes to get tired.

Before we get into the juicy details, let's go over a brief introduction into my skin. I have always struggled with oily blemished skin since I hit puberty, which was thirteen (13) years ago. Crazy, I know. I was the girl who was always known as the girl with acne throughout my school years. This has somehow took an emotional toll on me as I grew up until now, but we'll talk about that later. Back then, I didn't really care much about what was happening on my face. I used to get huge cystic acnes frequently (pretty much almost every day) on my oily face among several other common zits. I was pretty confident than I am now, because I know a few guys who developed silly crushes on me back then. Again, crazy, I know. Why would people even like me I wasn't even pretty lmao. But anyways, my mom did try several ways to fix my face, from splurging on The Body Shop's whole tea tree range, to visiting the dermatologist, but nothing really worked. Fyi, throughout high school I was under the sun a lot for being a prefect and a girl guide, without the knowledge of the importance of sunscreen. Horrific.

Anyways, the year 2018 was the year that I decided to get to know my skin a little bit better and really take care of it. Yes, folks, it is the current year. After continuous disappointments with a lot of products, I gave up on my skin, but earlier this year I started to read up on skincare and trying out stuff after stuff to put on my face. After months of a few different skincare routine, this is what I'm currently sticking to. Now, I'm sure a lot of beauty addicts out there have a better explanation on why we use this product or that product, and why is this product is used first before the other, so I'm just gonna list down what I use and what I think of them so far.

1. Oil cleanser (PM)

My first oil cleanser, Biore Perfect Oil in the purple pump bottle. It does it's job, I mean it's cheap and doesn't break out my face, so I guess that's okay. Of course, there are better products than this but hey, it isn't the bomb but it suits my wallet ;)

2. Water-based cleanser (PM)

The cleanser that I used to use before this was Himalaya Neem Purifying Cleanser, but I recently changed to Hada Labo AHA+BHA Oil Control Face Wash. This one dries my face too much, because it feels a little bit tight after usage on my skin. So for the past two weeks I have sneakily used my sister's Cetaphil Gentle Cleanser which feels a lot gentler, as its name suggests, on my skin. I've read somewhere that oily, acne-prone skin needs to avoid products that says 'acne control' or 'oil control' because this type of skin is just damaged and simply not ready for more harsh products, especially those containing actives like AHA and BHA. Therefore, I bought Simple Refreshing Facial Gel Wash which sounds more gentler, again as its name suggests lol. And yes, I think gel cleansers are better for oily skin types. Also, I have skipped using water-based cleanser in my morning routine because I think it strips off the natural oil on my skin, and it's been feeling better ever since.

3. The Ordinary Salicylic Acid 2% Solution (AM and PM)

I used to put this on every inch of my facial skin, but it never stopped the acne. So recently I changed into using this as a spot treatment, meaning I only put a little bit on active acne. And wow, I am getting fewer acne already.

4. The Ordinary Alpha Arbutin 2% + HA (AM and PM)

Yes, I'm quite a fan of The Ordinary serum range, forgive me folks. Anyways, I only use this on my dark, dark acne scars. It doesn't work as fast as I thought it would, but then acne scars or pigmentation can really take some time to lighten up so I guess I'll just continue using this otherwise my wallet will regret this lol.

5. The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1% (AM and PM)

I've read that this product is great on fixing oily skin by controlling the sebum production on your face but I have yet to experience that during my roughly 2 months of usage. I believe that niacinamide will work wonders on my skin but probably due to other factors, it's just not showing yet. Patience, dear self, patience.

6. The Ordinary Natural Moisturizing Factor (AM and PM)

This is my second moisturizer after Hada Labo Hydrating Water Gel, which both doesn't really reduce oil production on my skin, but this is all what my wallet can afford at the moment. I am still on the lookout for a better moisturizer.

7. The Ordinary Cold Pressed Rosehip Seed Oil (PM)

Oh my god, this is the only product from my regime that I'm excited to write about. I believe this oil has been a game changer that's fixing my skin's natural barrier. I've only used it for two weeks and I'm already seeing fewer acne on my face. I just went through the last five days of the week without new acne! I'm so in awe of this product, you guys. Well, the five-day streak has ended because I have new little pimples on my chin, but that's probably because of my hormones acting up. Everyone has their holy grail products, and I'd say this rosehip seed oil is mine.

If any of you are wondering what all these products do and why I do it this way, you always google reviews on them and look them up on youtube. I swear a lot of people have tried all these already. I recommend Liah Yoo on youtube if you want thorough yet simple and easy-to-understand explanation on the magic behind skincare ingredients and products. Until then.

Last two weeks, after pouring my mind out to my counsellor about hating a lot of things about myself, she had requested that I list out all those things. But to ensure that everything is balanced, she told me that I should write all the things that I love about myself as well. She has been trying to make me do this since last year but I have always ghosted on our appointments. I guess this is inevitable now. Hence for the past two weeks, I have been trying to think about these two lists while I brush my teeth, shower and do other lame tasks in my mundane life. Trying is the keyword here. I have realised that I have been avoiding this topic for so long. I know I hate a lot of things about myself, but looking at them microscopically seems so depressing for me, so I have always put these thoughts aside thinking that I could be happier if I'm not thinking about things that make me pity myself. But that's it, it's always on the side being a baggage that I have to carry all these years. Therefore, for the past two weeks I was actually avoiding doing this by keeping myself distracted with my phone. God knows how much I have explored the internet world, and how much I have not.

1. I hate that I am never good at anything anymore. I try to fix myself but I guess the effort is never enough because I never get better, until I feel like I don't want to make any effort anymore as it seems pointless.
2. I hate my blemished skin. I hate the extra fat on my body. I hate my damaged hair. No matter what I do to fix them, they never get better.
3. I hate that I am socially incapable. Awkward at making new friends. Always ghosting on existing friends. I am bad at keeping in touch. I am also bad at showing I love and care about the people important in my life. I am bad at being emotionally intimate with others.
4. I hate that I don’t have any motivation anymore.
5. I hate that I’m falling behind on classes. I hate that it’s taking me six years, hopefully not longer, to finish my degree.
6. I hate that my feelings are always bottled up, and I don’t know how to understand them, not to mention letting them all out.
7. I hate that I know my way of thinking isn’t right but I do nothing about it.
8. I hate that I need the right mood, attitude and energy to finish an important task but if I don't have them, I don't do it.
9. I hate that I cannot translate the image of a better me in my mind into actions towards achieving it.
10. I hate my self esteem and confidence.

1. I think I am good at taking good photos, although I rarely do it now. 
2. I love my taste in music – quite a wide range, and makes me feel good. I always feel like I want to share my playlist with someone who would take interest in them.
3. I love that I am such a homemaker. I love being in a house where I can be free on the decoration, the daily menu, the ambience. I love that I love grocery and furniture shopping. Although I may not be able to do it as much, because I live with other people and I fear that what I like is not the same as theirs.
4. I love that I can be nice and kind whenever I am okay/normal.

My mid-semester break was 2 weeks ago. Prior to that, I have been attending classes, finishing assignments dutifully (although one was submitted a bit late), and thriving. But since the break, I gave been feeling shitty until today, so that makes it 3 weeks in total. Last week, I barely attended any class except for the compulsory tutorial on Wednesday. It could be due to my aching wisdom tooth (teeth actually, 3 of them decided to come out at the same time), or, this was maybe an excuse to get away from my behaviour.

The break was after I was finished with my menses. The feeling was exactly like I was PMSing. I didn't get it. Why was I PMSing 3 weeks BEFORE my next menses? It feels horrible. I am annoyed at everything and everyone and ended up pulling a moody face throughout the whole 3 weeks. I am easily pissed, and yesterday, just because my sister ditched on lunch with me because she was late to hang out with her friends, I stopped talking to her or even looking at her face. Or my mum's. 

The thought of skipping this week's classes hadn't crossed my mind. I was so pissed lat night that I started writing on my bullet journal again, planning ahead of the week. But today, I don't even feel like going to class anymore. At all. I have been slacking with instagram work, with my presentation that is due in 3 days, everything. I'm even thinking of quitting work because I can't live up to the expected sales anymore. As a person who always seek closure from music sometimes, I opened up several playlists to find where my mood exactly is, including Rage, For cloudy days and the chill party, but no songs seem to fit what I'm feeling right now. It's like there are no good songs anymore. If I'm not mad, or sad or melancholic, then what the hell am I feeling and why? My appetite is going bigger as well. Ugh!

All that I want in my mind right now is to lay inside my room and do nothing.

Seriously, what is happening to me?

I was reading the Quran, something I really treasured whenever I get the chance to. I remembered what my previous murabbi once said, "If you don't feel okay, read (Quran) a lot. Read more than you usually do." and I get why. It has this special power to heal the heart, as it's supposed to, and whoever doesn't read and learn it would have their hearts dead. At least, that was how it felt when I was far from it– I felt dead.

I was reading Surah Al-Faathir when I came across a sentence about jannah, specifically He was talking about Jannatul 'Adni. As soon as my tongue said the word, tears flowed out of my eyes uncontrollably. It was as if my first time hearing about such things. The prophet would cry reciting sentences about the hellfire but I cried at 'paradise'. Memories came flashing to my mind where I sometimes would ask akhwat around me how would they imagine their life in paradise. To me, it had always feel like only imaginations. But when I uttered the word 'jannatul adnin' as I was reciting, the scenes of life in paradise that I imagined came vividly in my mind.

Imagining that, I cried.

These past few weeks, or months, have been emotionally difficult. Although, when I compare it to the events experienced by the sahabahs, it would never ever be the same as them. I don't really know what was so difficult, or why this small obstacle impacted my emotions so much, but all I know is that I don't handle it well. Being me, all the negative thinkings have lead me feeling like giving up, and I've been living my life like I am. Which is why the thought of jannah hit me really hard. Haven't I forgotten the reward of working for akhirah?

"I can feel the exhaustion and tiredness from you."

The stranger woman, who now I can call a friend, said to me. I've only met her a few times, but on our first meeting I was already crying in front of her. I cried on my first time meeting a stranger.

The past few months have been exhausting, more mentally than physically. I'd been crying a lot way before Ramadhan began, and my Ramadhan was completely full of wet sujood and sobbed du'a. Alhamdulillah my kind Lord gives me the chance to write. Writing helps me untangle the mess in my head, although not fully, but at least it clears up some of the mess. I've been trying to make time to write out what's been clogging my mind, but also keep delaying it because there are other important stuff to focus on. Unfortunately, while trying to not let the world down, I neglect myself and suddenly I found myself plunging.

Getting back up is as hard as falling down.

I was on the verge of killing myself down in the pit, but now I'm trying to get out of it.

Being me, I'll always fall back to my old rhythm not long after I seem to recover. Did I ever recover anyways? It feels like I'm always in this sad state – repeating the same patterns over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead, I've become a ghost walking around a life trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat. I've isolated myself for almost three days now, avoiding as much interaction with people as I can. Tried reaching out by contacting the university's counsellor but being me, cancelled the appointment at the last minute using my health condition as an excuse. Tried to reach my murabbi but being me, disappeared at the last minute. When my phone rings and I just stare at it without intending to pick it up. I throw out hints everywhere for people to care for me and pay me some attention that I crave for, but being me, whenever they do I start pushing them away and create this wall around me. Food feels bland these past few days, but I try to force myself to have some bread for sehri and iftar today I don't feel like eating anything. Just putting an album recently being my fav on repeat, listening to it closely until my eyes tear up because the mood of the songs suits mine really well. And as I immerse myself into these tunes, isolated in a cubicle at the library, I begin to lose hope.

How long does this have to continue? Have I not a chance to live a better life? And my biggest question is, is there anyone who cares for me?

I haven't moved from this seat at the library since seven hours ago. This morning was bright and clear, but right now it's dark and raining pretty heavily, a lightning just struck and I'm putting my Depressed playlist on shuffle that lasted a couple hours, then I started changing songs every now and then because I'm not sure of how to feel anymore. There's that, I'm always unsure. Of everything. Right now, I think I'm going back to that pattern where I would do absolutely nothing, put off all the things that I need to do and tell myself a bunch of lies to ignore the truth. How do I focus on these important things when my mind darts on its own to a place I never knew?

Inferiority complex.

Will I soon lose the battle within myself?

How can you see the enemy

When you're looking at yourself?

Instead of working out my weaknesses I'm actually highlighting them more and more. 

Allah is offering me His heaven, and I'm right here reluctant to go for it? I don't understand myself.

I'm on a break (from becoming a muslim daie? Since when…) for chinese new year and I drove home with my sister and uncle for 8 hours. I've been home for two days and I've literally done nothing. I haven't checked my phone since and never gone out. Like usual. How many times have I wished that things would change but fail so miserably again and again.

I'm feeling like writing tonight before I go back tomorrow and return to my busy schedule. Wait, I've always felt like I wanted to write, I just didn't really have time to. I was so caught up in life these past few months, I've been taking time to review and reflect, usually in my drive alone to a place to run errands, but never got the time to write it all down. So for my first post in 2017, I've decided to braindump.

I've stumbled upon my previous posts where I noticed that I was able to express myself quite well. And most of the things that affected my mood or how I felt was my study. This year, I'm gonna have to change that. I've failed 8 subjects and still have to take two electives. For the next two years, it's gonna be one hell of a ride but there are some changes in my mind that I would like to do to make sure I pass on with sakeenah (ketenangan).

My promise;

The remaining month of my summer break is most likely gonna be filled with as much adventure as I can fit before I diligently work for at least pass in my units. My adventure plans include;

This year, again, juggling classes in Monash + medan dakwi in Palam + living in Shah Alam, it's gonna be a tough one. It's gonna get tougher if I don't have enough preparation. Traveling to those cities mentioned above, I hope it'd give me some sort of a new view that can expand my horizon, see things from a better perspective, and hopefully change my attitude to the better. I wanna get better in handling things and I wanna be happier as well. To put my soul in what I do. To not just exist, but live.

Redha dengan tujuan hidup yang Allah dah taklifkan. Wasn't it my own promise, dulu-dulu? :)