Nepenthe

My anxiety was sky-rocketing last week. I skipped a lot of classes because I felt like I couldn't face anyone. I spent a lot of time in my bed scrolling my screen through a lot of social media, web comics, blogs, vlogs, youtube videos and so on until they all became boring. I felt dead again. I didn't know what was the trigger this time but the lag during my mid-semester break definitely took the inertia as I struggled to come back on track. One song into my 'cloudy' playlist and I was already breaking down into tears in my car.

I am still learning the healthy coping mechanisms that would help me. I know cleaning, cooking and working out helps, but I've been trying out writing and watercolour painting. Today marks the first day that I've finished an A4 page of painting. It wasn't actually a painting, just swatches of my watercolour cakes and a side painting of a sunset, but I love it nevertheless. I am currently liking the fact that I'm trying out and learning as much skills as I can before I graduate. One of them should involve social interactions but let me just indulge in introverted activities for now. As of now, I am focusing on learning French, swimming and painting.

I am a perfectionist, and this characteristic affects my anxiety a lot. I can't stand doing half-ass work, and if I'm not confident about doing something, I won't do it at all. I know learning to paint is going to teach me huge lessons regarding perfectionism and anxiety. I know my first try isn't going to be perfect, but I am willing to try and not stop halfway due to my untalented ass lol. Even from the first page, I've already learned that I am not so patient (I had to wait for the paint to dry before layering but I did not so it leaked everywhere -_-). So this is it, my first page of drawing, with cheap watercolour cakes, brushes and papers. I have sooooo many negative comments about it but for today, let me just settle with 'nice' (I'm being a lot nicer to myself, yes). My mood improves tremendously after looking at this imperfect, sloppy painting (ironic) and I just can't wait to finish my sketchbook and grow better in painting by the end of it.

To those of you who are reading this, I hope you take a chance to learn something new for yourself. Life is short, you have to try everything.

This is Farahana Nur listening to Mirror by Bazzi.

I've been eyeing this product for a while but I just wasn't sure if it was gonna work well and worth my money (because I'm a cheapskate). But when I heard that they were going to stop producing this, I immediately knew that I had to give it a try. I've been using it for about 3 weeks, one pump twice per day before moisturiser and I could say that it's been working quite well with my skin. My hormonal acne still comes every other day, but they healed up pretty fast and didn't leave a mark as dark as before I used this essence. As for hydration, it didn't do much for my oily dehydrated skin so I still need to invest in a good moisturiser for this problem. Overall, I hope the rumour isn't true and they will continue producing this because I will definitely repurchase!

     2.   Music: The album Cosmic by Bazzi.

This was released around April this year and I only started listening to the full album this month and I just gotta say that he got me hooooked! I love almost every song in this album, they're just so good that by now I probably know half of his lyrics, it's definitely my vibe. I've been replaying it every chance I get. I was gonna list out my favourite songs from this album but then I would be listing out the whole album lol. If you like soft hip-hop mixed with rnb and a little bit of pop, you should definitely check this album out here.

     3.   Book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson

Honestly I haven't finished this book and I've started reading it a few months ago (no shame), but this is one of those books that you have to take your time reading it because every page and every chapter is filled with truth that makes you question your life so you gotta slowly digest every sentence. With just a few chapters in, I can already feel my mindset and lifestyle changing towards the better, and helping out with my internal issues but yes, you gotta deal with a lot of tough transitions. Nevertheless, I assure you that after all the rain comes the rainbow. I feel like most of his principles are just the basic teachings of Islam which made it really really comforting because you know you're in the right religion/deen. This book, personally for me, explains the practical ways of the theories that you learn from Islam, so that's really good. Go and pick this up even though you feel like you already have a good life; it's just gonna make it better.

At the end of week 8 of a busy semester, I decided to skip Friday's one-hour lecture and drive myself to Cherating where I'd meet my family for a micro holiday weekend. I couldn't remember the last time we came here; we used to come every year for a short getaway with our family. It was the perfect place to celebrate my turning 24; the place that felt like home. Despite having to steal time to finish a group assignment, I'd say I had a pretty good time chilling. It wasn't really convenient to have to work while you're on holiday, I only managed to get just a little bit done for the assignment, but the beach was relaxing enough to keep the stress at bay. Look at the spot where I managed to read 1 paragraph about my assignment before it started getting too warm and I had to head back to our air-conditioned room. What a spoiled brat, I know.

We booked two rooms which are a part of a villa at The Legend Resort, Cherating - spacious rooms with double beds and sofa beds to accommodate guests, plus amazing view of the beach. I don't know how much they were per night, but you can always google them to check them out.



Asked my cousin to take this photo of me. I was legit doing my work after taking pictures, I promise. As you can guess, it was very relaxing. Most of the time we were either taking pictures or swimming. Talk about swimming, I finally know how to swim! At 24! I was doing my work while my family was swimming in the pool. 15 minutes later I turned off my laptop and joined them, decided that I had to learn how to swim as a gift to myself. And I did! It definitely took a few amount of pool water through my nose and mouth but it was all worth it!

As I was getting my family to teach me swimming, I was thinking back on how I became so scared of the water. I used to drown myself in a swimming pool when I was a kid. I only remembered waving my arms and legs helplessly as I tried to float back on surface but to no avail. A relative saved me after a few seconds which felt like a solid 10 minutes, but that event scarred me for life. It felt like a total failure for me. Since then, I never really liked being in the water. I feared the feeling of being incapable in the water. I feared looking stupid while I fail again and again to become good. It took me almost twenty years later to finally have the courage to learn to swim again, starting from the trip to Perhentian Island with my friends. Since then, I've been more motivated to equip myself with new skills, which include painting/making art and learning new languages, where I focus on French.

I'm so glad I took the chance. It makes me realise that the only person who can help you is you. The only person who will help you grow is you. The only person who will be patient with every step of your growth is you. If you were not courageous enough to do it, no 100 other people can make you. As I learn this, I've also realised that working on my fear is a progress. A progress that may take twenty thirty years. A progress that may not be linear. And that is totally okay, because a progress is still a progress, no matter how small :)

Which makes me think about my undergraduate journey. It has been 5 long years, and only 1 more before I graduate. I was thinking about how I might not be able to fix my WAM to average, and how it seemed impossible for me to do an exchange semester abroad. I knew I was getting myself back on track, but it wasn't as fast as I wished it to be. It's taking a whole lot of patience and kindness to tell myself "It's okay if it doesn't work out, at least you're improving." because my inner critic will always be there to tell me "So much regret. I wish you were serious from the start. I wish you didn't make mistakes." but I'm okay. I'm not as opposed to failure as I was before. I'm okay. I don't have to be excellent overnight.

I'm a work in progress.

I'm okay.