Last two weeks, after pouring my mind out to my counsellor about hating a lot of things about myself, she had requested that I list out all those things. But to ensure that everything is balanced, she told me that I should write all the things that I love about myself as well. She has been trying to make me do this since last year but I have always ghosted on our appointments. I guess this is inevitable now. Hence for the past two weeks, I have been trying to think about these two lists while I brush my teeth, shower and do other lame tasks in my mundane life. Trying is the keyword here. I have realised that I have been avoiding this topic for so long. I know I hate a lot of things about myself, but looking at them microscopically seems so depressing for me, so I have always put these thoughts aside thinking that I could be happier if I'm not thinking about things that make me pity myself. But that's it, it's always on the side being a baggage that I have to carry all these years. Therefore, for the past two weeks I was actually avoiding doing this by keeping myself distracted with my phone. God knows how much I have explored the internet world, and how much I have not.

1. I hate that I am never good at anything anymore. I try to fix myself but I guess the effort is never enough because I never get better, until I feel like I don't want to make any effort anymore as it seems pointless.
2. I hate my blemished skin. I hate the extra fat on my body. I hate my damaged hair. No matter what I do to fix them, they never get better.
3. I hate that I am socially incapable. Awkward at making new friends. Always ghosting on existing friends. I am bad at keeping in touch. I am also bad at showing I love and care about the people important in my life. I am bad at being emotionally intimate with others.
4. I hate that I don’t have any motivation anymore.
5. I hate that I’m falling behind on classes. I hate that it’s taking me six years, hopefully not longer, to finish my degree.
6. I hate that my feelings are always bottled up, and I don’t know how to understand them, not to mention letting them all out.
7. I hate that I know my way of thinking isn’t right but I do nothing about it.
8. I hate that I need the right mood, attitude and energy to finish an important task but if I don't have them, I don't do it.
9. I hate that I cannot translate the image of a better me in my mind into actions towards achieving it.
10. I hate my self esteem and confidence.

1. I think I am good at taking good photos, although I rarely do it now. 
2. I love my taste in music – quite a wide range, and makes me feel good. I always feel like I want to share my playlist with someone who would take interest in them.
3. I love that I am such a homemaker. I love being in a house where I can be free on the decoration, the daily menu, the ambience. I love that I love grocery and furniture shopping. Although I may not be able to do it as much, because I live with other people and I fear that what I like is not the same as theirs.
4. I love that I can be nice and kind whenever I am okay/normal.