Nepenthe

I've been eyeing this product for a while but I just wasn't sure if it was gonna work well and worth my money (because I'm a cheapskate). But when I heard that they were going to stop producing this, I immediately knew that I had to give it a try. I've been using it for about 3 weeks, one pump twice per day before moisturiser and I could say that it's been working quite well with my skin. My hormonal acne still comes every other day, but they healed up pretty fast and didn't leave a mark as dark as before I used this essence. As for hydration, it didn't do much for my oily dehydrated skin so I still need to invest in a good moisturiser for this problem. Overall, I hope the rumour isn't true and they will continue producing this because I will definitely repurchase!

     2.   Music: The album Cosmic by Bazzi.

This was released around April this year and I only started listening to the full album this month and I just gotta say that he got me hooooked! I love almost every song in this album, they're just so good that by now I probably know half of his lyrics, it's definitely my vibe. I've been replaying it every chance I get. I was gonna list out my favourite songs from this album but then I would be listing out the whole album lol. If you like soft hip-hop mixed with rnb and a little bit of pop, you should definitely check this album out here.

     3.   Book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson

Honestly I haven't finished this book and I've started reading it a few months ago (no shame), but this is one of those books that you have to take your time reading it because every page and every chapter is filled with truth that makes you question your life so you gotta slowly digest every sentence. With just a few chapters in, I can already feel my mindset and lifestyle changing towards the better, and helping out with my internal issues but yes, you gotta deal with a lot of tough transitions. Nevertheless, I assure you that after all the rain comes the rainbow. I feel like most of his principles are just the basic teachings of Islam which made it really really comforting because you know you're in the right religion/deen. This book, personally for me, explains the practical ways of the theories that you learn from Islam, so that's really good. Go and pick this up even though you feel like you already have a good life; it's just gonna make it better.

At the end of week 8 of a busy semester, I decided to skip Friday's one-hour lecture and drive myself to Cherating where I'd meet my family for a micro holiday weekend. I couldn't remember the last time we came here; we used to come every year for a short getaway with our family. It was the perfect place to celebrate my turning 24; the place that felt like home. Despite having to steal time to finish a group assignment, I'd say I had a pretty good time chilling. It wasn't really convenient to have to work while you're on holiday, I only managed to get just a little bit done for the assignment, but the beach was relaxing enough to keep the stress at bay. Look at the spot where I managed to read 1 paragraph about my assignment before it started getting too warm and I had to head back to our air-conditioned room. What a spoiled brat, I know.

We booked two rooms which are a part of a villa at The Legend Resort, Cherating - spacious rooms with double beds and sofa beds to accommodate guests, plus amazing view of the beach. I don't know how much they were per night, but you can always google them to check them out.



Asked my cousin to take this photo of me. I was legit doing my work after taking pictures, I promise. As you can guess, it was very relaxing. Most of the time we were either taking pictures or swimming. Talk about swimming, I finally know how to swim! At 24! I was doing my work while my family was swimming in the pool. 15 minutes later I turned off my laptop and joined them, decided that I had to learn how to swim as a gift to myself. And I did! It definitely took a few amount of pool water through my nose and mouth but it was all worth it!

As I was getting my family to teach me swimming, I was thinking back on how I became so scared of the water. I used to drown myself in a swimming pool when I was a kid. I only remembered waving my arms and legs helplessly as I tried to float back on surface but to no avail. A relative saved me after a few seconds which felt like a solid 10 minutes, but that event scarred me for life. It felt like a total failure for me. Since then, I never really liked being in the water. I feared the feeling of being incapable in the water. I feared looking stupid while I fail again and again to become good. It took me almost twenty years later to finally have the courage to learn to swim again, starting from the trip to Perhentian Island with my friends. Since then, I've been more motivated to equip myself with new skills, which include painting/making art and learning new languages, where I focus on French.

I'm so glad I took the chance. It makes me realise that the only person who can help you is you. The only person who will help you grow is you. The only person who will be patient with every step of your growth is you. If you were not courageous enough to do it, no 100 other people can make you. As I learn this, I've also realised that working on my fear is a progress. A progress that may take twenty thirty years. A progress that may not be linear. And that is totally okay, because a progress is still a progress, no matter how small :)

Which makes me think about my undergraduate journey. It has been 5 long years, and only 1 more before I graduate. I was thinking about how I might not be able to fix my WAM to average, and how it seemed impossible for me to do an exchange semester abroad. I knew I was getting myself back on track, but it wasn't as fast as I wished it to be. It's taking a whole lot of patience and kindness to tell myself "It's okay if it doesn't work out, at least you're improving." because my inner critic will always be there to tell me "So much regret. I wish you were serious from the start. I wish you didn't make mistakes." but I'm okay. I'm not as opposed to failure as I was before. I'm okay. I don't have to be excellent overnight.

I'm a work in progress.

I'm okay.

It is currently 1 A.M., and I am not sleepy because I've accidentally taken a 2-hour nap just now. I have just showered and prepped for my sleep, but I guess I would share here my current skincare routine while I wait for my eyes to get tired.

Before we get into the juicy details, let's go over a brief introduction into my skin. I have always struggled with oily blemished skin since I hit puberty, which was thirteen (13) years ago. Crazy, I know. I was the girl who was always known as the girl with acne throughout my school years. This has somehow took an emotional toll on me as I grew up until now, but we'll talk about that later. Back then, I didn't really care much about what was happening on my face. I used to get huge cystic acnes frequently (pretty much almost every day) on my oily face among several other common zits. I was pretty confident than I am now, because I know a few guys who developed silly crushes on me back then. Again, crazy, I know. Why would people even like me I wasn't even pretty lmao. But anyways, my mom did try several ways to fix my face, from splurging on The Body Shop's whole tea tree range, to visiting the dermatologist, but nothing really worked. Fyi, throughout high school I was under the sun a lot for being a prefect and a girl guide, without the knowledge of the importance of sunscreen. Horrific.

Anyways, the year 2018 was the year that I decided to get to know my skin a little bit better and really take care of it. Yes, folks, it is the current year. After continuous disappointments with a lot of products, I gave up on my skin, but earlier this year I started to read up on skincare and trying out stuff after stuff to put on my face. After months of a few different skincare routine, this is what I'm currently sticking to. Now, I'm sure a lot of beauty addicts out there have a better explanation on why we use this product or that product, and why is this product is used first before the other, so I'm just gonna list down what I use and what I think of them so far.

1. Oil cleanser (PM)

My first oil cleanser, Biore Perfect Oil in the purple pump bottle. It does it's job, I mean it's cheap and doesn't break out my face, so I guess that's okay. Of course, there are better products than this but hey, it isn't the bomb but it suits my wallet ;)

2. Water-based cleanser (PM)

The cleanser that I used to use before this was Himalaya Neem Purifying Cleanser, but I recently changed to Hada Labo AHA+BHA Oil Control Face Wash. This one dries my face too much, because it feels a little bit tight after usage on my skin. So for the past two weeks I have sneakily used my sister's Cetaphil Gentle Cleanser which feels a lot gentler, as its name suggests, on my skin. I've read somewhere that oily, acne-prone skin needs to avoid products that says 'acne control' or 'oil control' because this type of skin is just damaged and simply not ready for more harsh products, especially those containing actives like AHA and BHA. Therefore, I bought Simple Refreshing Facial Gel Wash which sounds more gentler, again as its name suggests lol. And yes, I think gel cleansers are better for oily skin types. Also, I have skipped using water-based cleanser in my morning routine because I think it strips off the natural oil on my skin, and it's been feeling better ever since.

3. The Ordinary Salicylic Acid 2% Solution (AM and PM)

I used to put this on every inch of my facial skin, but it never stopped the acne. So recently I changed into using this as a spot treatment, meaning I only put a little bit on active acne. And wow, I am getting fewer acne already.

4. The Ordinary Alpha Arbutin 2% + HA (AM and PM)

Yes, I'm quite a fan of The Ordinary serum range, forgive me folks. Anyways, I only use this on my dark, dark acne scars. It doesn't work as fast as I thought it would, but then acne scars or pigmentation can really take some time to lighten up so I guess I'll just continue using this otherwise my wallet will regret this lol.

5. The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1% (AM and PM)

I've read that this product is great on fixing oily skin by controlling the sebum production on your face but I have yet to experience that during my roughly 2 months of usage. I believe that niacinamide will work wonders on my skin but probably due to other factors, it's just not showing yet. Patience, dear self, patience.

6. The Ordinary Natural Moisturizing Factor (AM and PM)

This is my second moisturizer after Hada Labo Hydrating Water Gel, which both doesn't really reduce oil production on my skin, but this is all what my wallet can afford at the moment. I am still on the lookout for a better moisturizer.

7. The Ordinary Cold Pressed Rosehip Seed Oil (PM)

Oh my god, this is the only product from my regime that I'm excited to write about. I believe this oil has been a game changer that's fixing my skin's natural barrier. I've only used it for two weeks and I'm already seeing fewer acne on my face. I just went through the last five days of the week without new acne! I'm so in awe of this product, you guys. Well, the five-day streak has ended because I have new little pimples on my chin, but that's probably because of my hormones acting up. Everyone has their holy grail products, and I'd say this rosehip seed oil is mine.

If any of you are wondering what all these products do and why I do it this way, you always google reviews on them and look them up on youtube. I swear a lot of people have tried all these already. I recommend Liah Yoo on youtube if you want thorough yet simple and easy-to-understand explanation on the magic behind skincare ingredients and products. Until then.

Last two weeks, after pouring my mind out to my counsellor about hating a lot of things about myself, she had requested that I list out all those things. But to ensure that everything is balanced, she told me that I should write all the things that I love about myself as well. She has been trying to make me do this since last year but I have always ghosted on our appointments. I guess this is inevitable now. Hence for the past two weeks, I have been trying to think about these two lists while I brush my teeth, shower and do other lame tasks in my mundane life. Trying is the keyword here. I have realised that I have been avoiding this topic for so long. I know I hate a lot of things about myself, but looking at them microscopically seems so depressing for me, so I have always put these thoughts aside thinking that I could be happier if I'm not thinking about things that make me pity myself. But that's it, it's always on the side being a baggage that I have to carry all these years. Therefore, for the past two weeks I was actually avoiding doing this by keeping myself distracted with my phone. God knows how much I have explored the internet world, and how much I have not.

1. I hate that I am never good at anything anymore. I try to fix myself but I guess the effort is never enough because I never get better, until I feel like I don't want to make any effort anymore as it seems pointless.
2. I hate my blemished skin. I hate the extra fat on my body. I hate my damaged hair. No matter what I do to fix them, they never get better.
3. I hate that I am socially incapable. Awkward at making new friends. Always ghosting on existing friends. I am bad at keeping in touch. I am also bad at showing I love and care about the people important in my life. I am bad at being emotionally intimate with others.
4. I hate that I don’t have any motivation anymore.
5. I hate that I’m falling behind on classes. I hate that it’s taking me six years, hopefully not longer, to finish my degree.
6. I hate that my feelings are always bottled up, and I don’t know how to understand them, not to mention letting them all out.
7. I hate that I know my way of thinking isn’t right but I do nothing about it.
8. I hate that I need the right mood, attitude and energy to finish an important task but if I don't have them, I don't do it.
9. I hate that I cannot translate the image of a better me in my mind into actions towards achieving it.
10. I hate my self esteem and confidence.

1. I think I am good at taking good photos, although I rarely do it now. 
2. I love my taste in music – quite a wide range, and makes me feel good. I always feel like I want to share my playlist with someone who would take interest in them.
3. I love that I am such a homemaker. I love being in a house where I can be free on the decoration, the daily menu, the ambience. I love that I love grocery and furniture shopping. Although I may not be able to do it as much, because I live with other people and I fear that what I like is not the same as theirs.
4. I love that I can be nice and kind whenever I am okay/normal.