Nepenthe

Realistically speaking

By Farahana Nur - Friday, August 24, 2018

It's funny how just a small change of one mindset can lead to a better life, even just a few little steps better. Since I was a kid, I've always been a person who has a lot of dreams and goals even silly ones like being good at skating, playing the piano, swimming, public speaking, drawing, dancing and lots of other random stuff. Wanted to be an all-rounder like. I have tried all of them but when I found out that I have no talent or I was no good at it from the first try, I've given up and moved on to other things. I wanted to be good at what I do right away, but I hated going through the process of learning it. Hence, the frustration made me give up on it and never pick it up again unless I really wanted to do it.

The same goes for when I'm studying. I want to learn the materials right away without the pain of trying to understand or memorise them. Since high school, I've always picked up things during classes, so I didn't have to study as hard afterwards. So when I failed to do that in my uni years, I thought I have become really stupid and beat myself hard for it, leading to me failing a lot of classes and giving up altogether. I refuse to go through the hard process of studying, staying up late, spending 10 minutes each day to review my lecture notes, and reading textbooks. Recently, I've discovered a concept that made me think a lot about the way I do things in my life,

being realistic.

Being realistic that things take time. Being realistic that a goal is a progress, not magic at a snap of a finger or a wave of a wand. Being realistic that we can never be perfect, but we can always move towards being it, and that point of perfection will move further and further away as we move, because perfection does not exist. Being realistic that everybody makes mistakes, and it is essential for us to learn that to move towards the betterment. I mean, this is not rocket science, but it is a concept that I didn't take to heart before. And by learning this, I'm starting to let go of control and let things come naturally. I've become more at ease knowing that I don't have to be perfect on the first try, which is illogical by the way. I've become less upset of the things that don't fit my (unrealistically high) standards, and more able to accept my mistakes and forgive them.

And this realisation made me able to smile more.

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beauty

My current skincare routine

By Farahana Nur - Monday, June 11, 2018

It is currently 1 A.M., and I am not sleepy because I've accidentally taken a 2-hour nap just now. I have just showered and prepped for my sleep, but I guess I would share here my current skincare routine while I wait for my eyes to get tired.

Before we get into the juicy details, let's go over a brief introduction into my skin. I have always struggled with oily blemished skin since I hit puberty, which was thirteen (13) years ago. Crazy, I know. I was the girl who was always known as the girl with acne throughout my school years. This has somehow took an emotional toll on me as I grew up until now, but we'll talk about that later. Back then, I didn't really care much about what was happening on my face. I used to get huge cystic acnes frequently (pretty much almost every day) on my oily face among several other common zits. I was pretty confident than I am now, because I know a few guys who developed silly crushes on me back then. Again, crazy, I know. Why would people even like me I wasn't even pretty lmao. But anyways, my mom did try several ways to fix my face, from splurging on The Body Shop's whole tea tree range, to visiting the dermatologist, but nothing really worked. Fyi, throughout high school I was under the sun a lot for being a prefect and a girl guide, without the knowledge of the importance of sunscreen. Horrific.

Anyways, the year 2018 was the year that I decided to get to know my skin a little bit better and really take care of it. Yes, folks, it is the current year. After continuous disappointments with a lot of products, I gave up on my skin, but earlier this year I started to read up on skincare and trying out stuff after stuff to put on my face. After months of a few different skincare routine, this is what I'm currently sticking to. Now, I'm sure a lot of beauty addicts out there have a better explanation on why we use this product or that product, and why is this product is used first before the other, so I'm just gonna list down what I use and what I think of them so far.

1. Oil cleanser (PM)

My first oil cleanser, Biore Perfect Oil in the purple pump bottle. It does it's job, I mean it's cheap and doesn't break out my face, so I guess that's okay. Of course, there are better products than this but hey, it isn't the bomb but it suits my wallet ;)

2. Water-based cleanser (PM)

The cleanser that I used to use before this was Himalaya Neem Purifying Cleanser, but I recently changed to Hada Labo AHA+BHA Oil Control Face Wash. This one dries my face too much, because it feels a little bit tight after usage on my skin. So for the past two weeks I have sneakily used my sister's Cetaphil Gentle Cleanser which feels a lot gentler, as its name suggests, on my skin. I've read somewhere that oily, acne-prone skin needs to avoid products that says 'acne control' or 'oil control' because this type of skin is just damaged and simply not ready for more harsh products, especially those containing actives like AHA and BHA. Therefore, I bought Simple Refreshing Facial Gel Wash which sounds more gentler, again as its name suggests lol. And yes, I think gel cleansers are better for oily skin types. Also, I have skipped using water-based cleanser in my morning routine because I think it strips off the natural oil on my skin, and it's been feeling better ever since.

3. The Ordinary Salicylic Acid 2% Solution (AM and PM)

I used to put this on every inch of my facial skin, but it never stopped the acne. So recently I changed into using this as a spot treatment, meaning I only put a little bit on active acne. And wow, I am getting fewer acne already.

4. The Ordinary Alpha Arbutin 2% + HA (AM and PM)

Yes, I'm quite a fan of The Ordinary serum range, forgive me folks. Anyways, I only use this on my dark, dark acne scars. It doesn't work as fast as I thought it would, but then acne scars or pigmentation can really take some time to lighten up so I guess I'll just continue using this otherwise my wallet will regret this lol.

5. The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1% (AM and PM)

I've read that this product is great on fixing oily skin by controlling the sebum production on your face but I have yet to experience that during my roughly 2 months of usage. I believe that niacinamide will work wonders on my skin but probably due to other factors, it's just not showing yet. Patience, dear self, patience.

6. The Ordinary Natural Moisturizing Factor (AM and PM)

This is my second moisturizer after Hada Labo Hydrating Water Gel, which both doesn't really reduce oil production on my skin, but this is all what my wallet can afford at the moment. I am still on the lookout for a better moisturizer.

7. The Ordinary Cold Pressed Rosehip Seed Oil (PM)

Oh my god, this is the only product from my regime that I'm excited to write about. I believe this oil has been a game changer that's fixing my skin's natural barrier. I've only used it for two weeks and I'm already seeing fewer acne on my face. I just went through the last five days of the week without new acne! I'm so in awe of this product, you guys. Well, the five-day streak has ended because I have new little pimples on my chin, but that's probably because of my hormones acting up. Everyone has their holy grail products, and I'd say this rosehip seed oil is mine.

If any of you are wondering what all these products do and why I do it this way, you always google reviews on them and look them up on youtube. I swear a lot of people have tried all these already. I recommend Liah Yoo on youtube if you want thorough yet simple and easy-to-understand explanation on the magic behind skincare ingredients and products. Until then.

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mental health

Two contradictory lists

By Farahana Nur - Tuesday, June 05, 2018

Last two weeks, after pouring my mind out to my counsellor about hating a lot of things about myself, she had requested that I list out all those things. But to ensure that everything is balanced, she told me that I should write all the things that I love about myself as well. She has been trying to make me do this since last year but I have always ghosted on our appointments. I guess this is inevitable now. Hence for the past two weeks, I have been trying to think about these two lists while I brush my teeth, shower and do other lame tasks in my mundane life. Trying is the keyword here. I have realised that I have been avoiding this topic for so long. I know I hate a lot of things about myself, but looking at them microscopically seems so depressing for me, so I have always put these thoughts aside thinking that I could be happier if I'm not thinking about things that make me pity myself. But that's it, it's always on the side being a baggage that I have to carry all these years. Therefore, for the past two weeks I was actually avoiding doing this by keeping myself distracted with my phone. God knows how much I have explored the internet world, and how much I have not.

Nevertheless, I guess this is the time that I really put things into these two lists, as my two-week period is up and I need to bring something to my counsellor so that she can try to help me further. I will try to add one thing on the +love section each time I add one on -hate section. I might cry really hard while I write this, but here we go.

-hate;

I hate that I am never good at anything anymore. I try to fix myself but I guess the effort is never enough because I never get better, until I feel like I don't want to make any effort anymore as it seems pointless.
I hate my blemished skin. I hate the extra fat on my body. I hate my damaged hair. No matter what I do to fix them, they never get better.
I hate that I am socially incapable. Awkward at making new friends. Always ghosting on existing friends. I am bad at keeping in touch. I am also bad at showing I love and care about the people important in my life. I am bad at being emotionally intimate with others.
I hate that I don’t have any motivation anymore.
I hate that I’m falling behind on classes. I hate that it’s taking me six years, hopefully not longer, to finish my degree.
I hate that my feelings are always bottled up, and I don’t know how to understand them, not to mention letting them all out.
I hate that I know my way of thinking isn’t right but I do nothing about it.
I hate that I need the right mood, attitude and energy to finish an important task but if I don't have them, I don't do it.
I hate that I cannot translate the image of a better me in my mind into actions towards achieving it.
I hate my self esteem and confidence.

+love;

I think I am good at taking good photos, although I rarely do it now.
I love my taste in music – quite a wide range, and makes me feel good. I always feel like I want to share my playlist with someone who would take interest in them.
I love that I am such a homemaker. I love being in a house where I can be free on the decoration, the daily menu, the ambience. I love that I love grocery and furniture shopping. Although I may not be able to do it as much, because I live with other people and I fear that what I like is not the same as theirs.
I love that I can be nice and kind whenever I am okay/normal.

I surprise myself when I didn't cry writing into these lists. But expectedly, my +love list is shorter than -hate. Figures. This post doesn't feel really honest, although there are some truth in it. It feels forced, maybe because I do it at the last minute and for the sake of showing something to my counsellor. That's me, I always do things at the last minute. Anyways, I guess these are the things that I can dig from myself for now. I'll see what my counsellor has to say about this. Until then.