Nepenthe

Being me, I'll always fall back to my old rhythm not long after I seem to recover. Did I ever recover anyways? It feels like I'm always in this sad state – repeating the same patterns over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead, I've become a ghost walking around a life trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat. I've isolated myself for almost three days now, avoiding as much interaction with people as I can. Tried reaching out by contacting the university's counsellor but being me, cancelled the appointment at the last minute using my health condition as an excuse. Tried to reach my murabbi but being me, disappeared at the last minute. When my phone rings and I just stare at it without intending to pick it up. I throw out hints everywhere for people to care for me and pay me some attention that I crave for, but being me, whenever they do I start pushing them away and create this wall around me. Food feels bland these past few days, but I try to force myself to have some bread for sehri and iftar today I don't feel like eating anything. Just putting an album recently being my fav on repeat, listening to it closely until my eyes tear up because the mood of the songs suits mine really well. And as I immerse myself into these tunes, isolated in a cubicle at the library, I begin to lose hope.

How long does this have to continue? Have I not a chance to live a better life? And my biggest question is, is there anyone who cares for me?

I haven't moved from this seat at the library since seven hours ago. This morning was bright and clear, but right now it's dark and raining pretty heavily, a lightning just struck and I'm putting my Depressed playlist on shuffle that lasted a couple hours, then I started changing songs every now and then because I'm not sure of how to feel anymore. There's that, I'm always unsure. Of everything. Right now, I think I'm going back to that pattern where I would do absolutely nothing, put off all the things that I need to do and tell myself a bunch of lies to ignore the truth. How do I focus on these important things when my mind darts on its own to a place I never knew?

Inferiority complex.

Will I soon lose the battle within myself?

How can you see the enemy

When you're looking at yourself?

Instead of working out my weaknesses I'm actually highlighting them more and more. 

Allah is offering me His heaven, and I'm right here reluctant to go for it? I don't understand myself.

I'm on a break (from becoming a muslim daie? Since when…) for chinese new year and I drove home with my sister and uncle for 8 hours. I've been home for two days and I've literally done nothing. I haven't checked my phone since and never gone out. Like usual. How many times have I wished that things would change but fail so miserably again and again.

I'm feeling like writing tonight before I go back tomorrow and return to my busy schedule. Wait, I've always felt like I wanted to write, I just didn't really have time to. I was so caught up in life these past few months, I've been taking time to review and reflect, usually in my drive alone to a place to run errands, but never got the time to write it all down. So for my first post in 2017, I've decided to braindump.

I've stumbled upon my previous posts where I noticed that I was able to express myself quite well. And most of the things that affected my mood or how I felt was my study. This year, I'm gonna have to change that. I've failed 8 subjects and still have to take two electives. For the next two years, it's gonna be one hell of a ride but there are some changes in my mind that I would like to do to make sure I pass on with sakeenah (ketenangan).

My promise;

The remaining month of my summer break is most likely gonna be filled with as much adventure as I can fit before I diligently work for at least pass in my units. My adventure plans include;

This year, again, juggling classes in Monash + medan dakwi in Palam + living in Shah Alam, it's gonna be a tough one. It's gonna get tougher if I don't have enough preparation. Traveling to those cities mentioned above, I hope it'd give me some sort of a new view that can expand my horizon, see things from a better perspective, and hopefully change my attitude to the better. I wanna get better in handling things and I wanna be happier as well. To put my soul in what I do. To not just exist, but live.

Redha dengan tujuan hidup yang Allah dah taklifkan. Wasn't it my own promise, dulu-dulu? :)

I have a collection of things that I wanted to write about but I keep putting them off until I have some spare time, but when I do, words just don't flow out of my fingers anymore. Then I figured that writing needs emotions (although it's a known fact to everybody else), that's why when we read things that are written with emotions, you kind of get the same feeling as the writer. And as I recall past events that happened to me recently, I realise that they don't really matter much now that it has passed. Is this why people say, time heals?

But they do still matter, just not with that much emotions. Maybe the wound has healed, but the scar is still there. The pain has subsided but it leaves an unbearable numbness. I remember when I decided to get away from all social media, mainly facebook, instagram and tumblr, just so that I can focus more on my uni work. But it doesn't seem to really work, and I've been killing time by doing old stuff that I should have never done. Quoting IHAB, those who kill time kills themselves, and that's exactly what's happening to me. I'm killing myself. What wounded me was myself. Fluctuations happen, physically and emotionally. My body temperature as well as my mood and my iman goes up and down crazier than a roller coaster. I waste second chances, I ruin new opportunities, I go back to the hellhole. I'm hurt and broken.

Dear Allah Al-Jabbar,
Fix me where I'm broken. Heal me where I'm hurt.