Nepenthe

Plays Iridiscent.

Let me tell you what’s been in my head lately:

To blast out screamo songs until my ears hurt, or bleed, or until something breaks. To scratch my skin until blood oozes out. To hit my head on the wall multiple times until either the wall or my head cracks. To drown myself in the sea whenever I drink water. A car crash. Ripping my chest open. Blood. Tall walls. A knife. Black. Being in a small room. These four walls are gonna crush me. A war. Electrocution. Falling. Old people, death and screams.

Allah, where are You? I miss You. I don’t know what’s wrong with myself. I don’t want to be depressed. I want to fight these self-hurting thoughts. It’s got so amplified I can’t hide it anymore. I want it to stop.

Stop…

I once didn't know where to go. Heck. I didn't even realise I wasn't sure of where I was going. But You gave me the light to show me where I should go. I know I hadn't been the best of 'abid but I ask from You ya rabb, don't give up on me just yet. Not now.

Every time I am on the edge of letting go, I remind myself of those early times when I was chosen. Every time I feel like losing control of myself, those are the things that I keep to help me soldier on. It's amazing how You're still holding me after all that I've done, or haven't done. So I humbly ask You to hold me forever, please ya rabb.

"…and He found you lost and guided you."

— Ad-Dhuha, verse 7.

Looks like my writing mojo is back...

I start my fifth semester (already?!) in Monash next week. I don't usually do resolutions but this time - that feels like a new beginning to me - it doesn't feel right to not have any. Obviously a lot had happen since I last write in here I don't know what I should start with. I'm not gonna spend hours re-digging my memories, but to make things short, the things that happened have shaped what goals I set for new beginnings like this, so let's go with the future.

After several fails with my study, I feel like I should reevaluate my life. Failing doesn't sound good at all. Failing either means God is testing you or you didn't put enough effort. To me, based on what I have gone through, it is the latter because I know I could've worked harder than I did, but I simply didn't. Looking at my old revision books whenever I come home makes me miss being smart and getting good grades. I scored an A+ for Additional Math ffs. Of course, getting good grades is not everything, but with studying being the biggest part of my life (read: alat) right now, I feel that failing it means I'm failing life.

I have never been as concerned with my study as I am right now.

Sometimes it feels like the me before tarbiah was better that who I am right now, and it shouldn't be that way. So I'm gonna put more effort into getting the old me back. And it's nice to know that there's a good reward waiting for you at the end of your effort. The results, a ticket to Indonesia and of course, a reason for you to excel your DNT and get yourself a seat in heaven.