Nepenthe

"I can feel the exhaustion and tiredness from you."

The stranger woman, who now I can call a friend, said to me. I've only met her a few times, but on our first meeting I was already crying in front of her. I cried on my first time meeting a stranger.

The past few months have been exhausting, more mentally than physically. I'd been crying a lot way before Ramadhan began, and my Ramadhan was completely full of wet sujood and sobbed du'a. Alhamdulillah my kind Lord gives me the chance to write. Writing helps me untangle the mess in my head, although not fully, but at least it clears up some of the mess. I've been trying to make time to write out what's been clogging my mind, but also keep delaying it because there are other important stuff to focus on. Unfortunately, while trying to not let the world down, I neglect myself and suddenly I found myself plunging.

Getting back up is as hard as falling down.

I was on the verge of killing myself down in the pit, but now I'm trying to get out of it.

Being me, I'll always fall back to my old rhythm not long after I seem to recover. Did I ever recover anyways? It feels like I'm always in this sad state – repeating the same patterns over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead, I've become a ghost walking around a life trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat. I've isolated myself for almost three days now, avoiding as much interaction with people as I can. Tried reaching out by contacting the university's counsellor but being me, cancelled the appointment at the last minute using my health condition as an excuse. Tried to reach my murabbi but being me, disappeared at the last minute. When my phone rings and I just stare at it without intending to pick it up. I throw out hints everywhere for people to care for me and pay me some attention that I crave for, but being me, whenever they do I start pushing them away and create this wall around me. Food feels bland these past few days, but I try to force myself to have some bread for sehri and iftar today I don't feel like eating anything. Just putting an album recently being my fav on repeat, listening to it closely until my eyes tear up because the mood of the songs suits mine really well. And as I immerse myself into these tunes, isolated in a cubicle at the library, I begin to lose hope.

How long does this have to continue? Have I not a chance to live a better life? And my biggest question is, is there anyone who cares for me?

I haven't moved from this seat at the library since seven hours ago. This morning was bright and clear, but right now it's dark and raining pretty heavily, a lightning just struck and I'm putting my Depressed playlist on shuffle that lasted a couple hours, then I started changing songs every now and then because I'm not sure of how to feel anymore. There's that, I'm always unsure. Of everything. Right now, I think I'm going back to that pattern where I would do absolutely nothing, put off all the things that I need to do and tell myself a bunch of lies to ignore the truth. How do I focus on these important things when my mind darts on its own to a place I never knew?

Inferiority complex.

Will I soon lose the battle within myself?

How can you see the enemy

When you're looking at yourself?

Instead of working out my weaknesses I'm actually highlighting them more and more. 

Allah is offering me His heaven, and I'm right here reluctant to go for it? I don't understand myself.