Nepenthe

I'm that kind of person who laughs uncontrollably one hour to distract myself from negative thoughts, tricking my mind that I'm happy, but cry the next because I know I was just lying to myself.

I finally did my presentation yesterday, which sucked balls. And the feedback was terrible. I was an hour late, I couldn't answer all the questions even simpler ones, and he was so frustrated that he didn't even want to really talk to me or look at my face. I tried to forget this particular scene to avoid downgrading myself but I couldn't. The memory keeps replaying itself in my mind. And each time, I hate myself more and more. I think I'm gonna fail all subjects this semester. I know I can't afford it. I'm fighting the urge to give up. I'm fighting.

I don't see a way out. How do you be positive?

I'm failing miserably in my study. On that thought, I'm also failing miserably in being a murabbi. I'm failing in being a muslim. Ah fuck it, I'm failing in just being a sensible human being. As much as I want to avoid self-hate, I can't avoid the fact that I'm just a failure in general.

This is FRHN listening to The Girl Who Cried Wolf by 5SOS.

I was about to cry in the midst of doing my assignment and I thought of writing my emotions down but somehow I ended up on someone else's blog and the feeling was gone. I see what you did there, mood swings.

A few events occurred since I last wrote here. One of them being me confessing about what had happened to me, and what I had been feeling like in the past month to my deen family. I thought it would end right there, but the truth is I'm still masking myself from the world. I told them I'd be fine because I knew it was all just in my head. I was able to ignore and became someone else that seemed fine to people. Then a few days ago I broke down again. It hurt so bad inside I just wanted to slash my body to pieces because of how useless I felt. All feelings came attacking me out of a sudden, it was like they were lurking behind my head and as if on cue, ambushed me from behind and I cried and cried in the shower and during prayers because I felt like I wasn't capable of anything. Being a murabbi? What the hell. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy, people noticed and I was up so late that night. Managed to get some sleep for a couple hours then I had to wake up again for work with my eyes so swollen, they felt warm somehow and it didn't feel right in my body. My mind started being a mess again and I was lost. All the colours faded.

See a war I wanna fight it

See a match I wanna strike it

Every fire I've ignited

Faded to grey

The answer is there. I'm just refraining myself from seeing it.