Nepenthe

I'm counting days. To what, you ask? I'm not even sure myself. I'm just counting. Every second, every minute, every day… but I don't know what to do with my counts. My surrounding is in slow motion, no, more like a blur. I'm walking but I don't know where I am.

I received my exam results two days ago. More fails; I only passed one unit out of three. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm carrying a heavy bag around but there's nothing inside. You know, that feeling when you've worked quite hard but all you have is really nothing. I'm trying to not let my results define my situation but it's not working. I'm slowly absorbing the fact that I might never be good at studying again. Sure, I'll plan my next semester, my next routine, my agenda, my bullet journal, all the calendars and all the rules… but it's coming at me – the feeling of being a failure. Why is it so hard to restrain yourself? Why is it so hard to have control over yourself, over what you want, over what you do?

How do people be so positive? How do people make it? God this is impossible.

I met my high school friends several days ago for a friend's wedding reception. And there's this one girl, who was my classmate in senior year, she's the almost perfect definition of a lady – knows her way around, polite, friendly, good with the elderly, the kids, people around her age, responsible, but mainly she knows her way around. As I look at her from the corner of my eye, I thought to myself, how does she do that? How do I be this girl?

Now look at me trying to be someone else. I hate it. But I hate myself even more. My mind is so tainted with self-hate, I can't seem to recover from it.

Anyways, have a listen to (Un)Lost by The Maine. Perfect lyrics. Thank you to a fellow boybander Cal for introducing me to this.

Reading a few books (which is a lot for me) to be able to concentrate again. Finals are approaching really fast and I've only done little studying; it's going very slow for me. I need to be able to concentrate again.

I seem to not be really attached to writing what I feel anymore. Maybe because the sadness has subsided a bit. The thoughts did come sometimes, but it wasn't as bad as it was before. Bought a pair of slip-ons which somehow made me feel better. Been talking to people. Been laughing. Buying people gifts.

Maybe I'm recovering.

I'm that kind of person who laughs uncontrollably one hour to distract myself from negative thoughts, tricking my mind that I'm happy, but cry the next because I know I was just lying to myself.

I finally did my presentation yesterday, which sucked balls. And the feedback was terrible. I was an hour late, I couldn't answer all the questions even simpler ones, and he was so frustrated that he didn't even want to really talk to me or look at my face. I tried to forget this particular scene to avoid downgrading myself but I couldn't. The memory keeps replaying itself in my mind. And each time, I hate myself more and more. I think I'm gonna fail all subjects this semester. I know I can't afford it. I'm fighting the urge to give up. I'm fighting.

I don't see a way out. How do you be positive?